(navigation image)
Home American Libraries | Canadian Libraries | Universal Library | Community Texts | Project Gutenberg | Children's Library | Biodiversity Heritage Library | Additional Collections
Search: Advanced Search
Anonymous User (login or join us)
Upload
See other formats

Full text of "The old batchelour,a comedy"

I:x f.tbris. - -^Sf 

M. E. BARRY. 



Digitized by tine Internet Archive 
in 2013 



http://archive.org/details/oldbatchelouracoOOcong 



THE 

COMEDY- 

As it is ACTED at the 

Theatre - Royal , 

BY 

His Majefty's Servants. 

" Written by Mr. C N G M EV E. 

5Ct)e ^teti) cmtion Comctet>> ' 



J^em tulit acL Scenam ventofo gloria, CurrUy 
Exammdt lentus Sfe6iator ; fedulus inflat. ^ 
Hie kvey fie furvum 'efiy animum quod laudis avarum 
Suhraity mt reficit 

Horat. Epift. L Lib. IL 



LONDON, 
4$JPnnted for Peter Bucky at the Sign of the Temple in Fleet- 
ftreety over againfl Chancery'luafie-End^ 1697. 



To the Righ^ Honourable y Charles Zor^ Clif- 
ford, o/Lanesborough, iS'c- 



My Lord, 

IT is with a great deal of Pleafure,^ that I lay hold on this 
firft Occafion, which, the Accidents of my Life have given 
me of writing to your Lordlhip : For fince at the fame time, 
I write to ali the World, it will be a means of publifhing 
(what I would have every Body know) the Refpeft and Duty 
which I owe and pay to you. I have fo much Inclination to be 
yours, that I need no other Engagement; But the particular 
Ties, by, which I am bound to your Lordlhip and Family, 
have put it out of my powor to make you any Complement; 
fince all OflFejs of my felf, wiD amount to no more than an 
hoill^i^ Acknowledgment, and only (hew a willingnels in me to 
be grateful. 

I am very near wilhing, That it were not fo much my Inte- 
reft to be your Lordlhip s Servaot, that it might be more my 
Merit; not that I would avoid being obliged to you, but I 
would have my own Choice to run. mc into the Debt ; that I 
might have itto boaft, I had diftingullhed a Man, to whom I 
would be glad to be obliged, even without the hopes of having 
it in my Power, ever to make him a return. 

It is impoflible fgr me to come near your Lordlhip, in any 
kind, and not to receive fome Favour; and while in appear- 
awce I am only making an Acknowledgment (with theufual 
under-hand dealing of the World) I am at the fame time, in- 
finuating my own Intereft* I cannot give your Lordlhip your 
due, without tacking a Bill of my own Friviieges. Tis true, 
if a Man never committed a Folly, he would never ftand in 
need of a Proteftion : ^But then Power would have nothing to 
do, and good Nature '^no occafion to fhew it felf ; and where 
thofe Vertues are, 'cis pity they fhould want Objeds to fhine 
upon. I muft confefs this is no realbn, why a Man fhould do 
an idle thing,'' nor indeed any good Excufe for it, when done ; 
yet it reconciles the ufes of fuch Authority and Goodnels, to 
the ncceflfities of our Follies ; and is a^-fort of Poetical Logick, 

A 2 A which, 



Tlje Epijfle Dedkatery. 

which, at this time I would n^ake ufe of, to argue your Lord- 
fhip into a Prote£lion of this Piay. It is the firft Offence I 
have committed in this kind, or indeed, in any kind of Poetry, 
tho^ not the firft made pubiick ; and, therefore, I hope will the 
more eafily \>q pardoned : But had it been Afted, when it was 
firft written, more might have been faid in its behalf ; Igno- 
rance of the To wq^ and Stage, would then have been Excufes in 

young Writer, which now, almoft four Years experience, will 
fcarce allow of. Yet I raufl: declare my felf fenfible of the good 
Nature of the Town, in receiving this Play fb kindly, with all 
its Faults, which I muft own were, for the mod part, very in- 
duflrioufly covered by the care of the Players ; for, f think, {qarce 
a Character but received all the Advantage it would admit of,> 
from the juftnefs of the Adion. 

As for the Criticks, my Lord, I have nothing to fey,*^, or 
againft any of them of any kind ; from thofe who make juft 
Exceptions, to thofe who find fault in the wrong place. I will 
only make this general Anfwer in behalf of my Play (an An- 
fwer, which EfiStetus advifes every Man to make for himfelf, 
to his Cenfurers) viz. Thlzt if they tt>ho find fame Faults in it^ 
were as intimate with it as I am^ they would find a great many more. 
This is a Confeffion, which I needed not to have made ; but how- 
ever, I can draw this ufe from it, to my own Advantage, that 
I think there are no Faults in it, but what I do know ; which, as 
I take it, is the firft ftep to an amendment. 

Thus I may live in hopes (fbme time or other) of making the 
Town amends ; but you, my Lord, I never can, thai am ever 

Tour Lordfbifs 

- mofi Obedient J and 

moji Humble Servant^ 

. £ ^ Will. Congrevel 



To 



1 o Mr. CONCKEVE. 

WHen Verm in furfutt of Fame appears^ 
^nd forward Jhoets the growth beyond the Tears^ 
We timely conrt the rifing Heroes Caufe j 
jhdon his fide, the Foet wifely drams } 
Befpeaking him hereafter, by Applaiife, 
The days will come, when me fhall all receive^ 
Retftrmng Intereft from what now we give : 
InftrnBed, and fupported by that praife. 
And Repntation, which we firhe to raife. 
Nature fo coy^ fo hardly to be woo*d 
Flies, like a Mfirifs, but to be purfud. 
a CONGREVE! boldly follow on the Chafe % 
She looks behind f and wants thy ftrong Embrate : 
She yields, (he yields, fnrrenders all her Charms* 
Do. you but force her gently to your Arms : 
Such Nerw, fuch Graces, in your Lines appear^ * - 

As yoH were made to be her Ravijher, 
I>R y D E N has long extended his Command, 
By right divine, quite through the Mufes Land^ 
Abfolute Lord ; and holding now from noney 
But great Apollo, his undoubted Crown : 
(That Empire fettled, and grown old in Pow^r ) 
Can wifh for nothing, but a Succeffor ' 
Not to enlarge his Limits, but maintain 
Thofe Provinces J which he alone could gain. 
His eldeft- Wicherly, in wife Retreat^ 
Thought it not worth his quiet to he great, 
Loofe, wandring. Ether ege, in wild Flea fur es toji^ . 
And foreign Int^eJIs, to his hopes long lofi : 
Poor Lee and Otway dead ! C0N6REVE appear s^ 
The Darlings and lafl Comfort of his T ears : 
JUay^fi thou live long in thy great Mafters fmiks. 
And growing under him, adorn thefe Jfies : 
But when — when part of him ( be th^ but late ) 
His Body yielding muft fubmit to Fate, 
Leaving his deathlefs Works, and thee behind^ . 
(The natural Succeffor of his Mind) 
Then may'^fi thou finijh what he has begun : 
Heir to his Merit, be in Fame his Son, 
What thou hafi done, jhews all is in thy PoWer % 
And to write better, only mufi write more. 
^Tis fomething to be willing to commend ^ ^ 
But my befi praife, is, that J am your Friend^ 

THO. SOUTHERNE. 



To Mr. GONGRE VE. 



H E Danger's great in thefe cenforious days, 



X When Criticks are fo rife, to venture Praife : 
When the infedious and»ilI-naturM Brood 
Behold, and damn the Work, becaufe 'tis good ; 
And with a proud, ungenerous Spight WQuld try 
To pais an Oftracifm on Poetry. 
But you, tny Friend, your Worth does fafely bear 
Above their Spleen ; you have no caufe for fear ; . 
Like a well-nnettled Hawk, you took your flight 
Quite out of reach, and almoft out of fight. 
As the ftrong Sun^ in a fair Summers day, 
You rife, and drive the Mifl:s and Clouds away, 
The Owls ami Bats, and all the Birds of Prey. 
Each line of yours, like poIiCht Steel's fo hard. 
In Beauty fafe, it wants no other guard. 
Nature her felfs beholden to your'Drefs, 
Which tho ftill like, much fairer you expreft. 
Some vainly ftriving Honour to Obtain, 
Leave to their Heirs the TrafBck of their Brain, 
Like Chma under Ground^ the ripening Ware, 
In a long time, perhaps grows worth our Care : 
But you now reap the Fame, fo well you've foWn ; 
The Planter tafl:s his Fruit to ripdneS grown. 
As a fair Orange-tree at onee is ften, 
Big with what's ripe, yet fpringing ftill with green ; 
So at one time, my worthy Friend appears, 
With all the fep of Youth, and weight of Years- 
Accept my pious Love, as forward Zeal, 
Which tho' it ruins me I can't iionceal : 
&{pos'd to Cenfure for my weak Applaufe, 
Vm pleas'd to fufFer in fo juft a Caufe : 
And tho, my Offering may unworthy prove. 
Take, as a Friend, the WiChes of my Love. 




f 



J. Marjh. 



\ 



ToUr. COM G REV E, on his PL AY 
called, The OLD BATCHELOR, 

WI r, like true Gold^ refi^td from dll AlUjy 
Immortal is^ and never can decay : 
^Tis in all Times and Languages the fame 
Nor can an ill Tran/lation quench the Flame : 
For^ tho the Form and Fafhion don^t remain^ 
Th^ intrinfick value Jlill it mil retain. 
Then let each ftudiei Scene he rvrit with Art', 
And Judgment [mat to form the Uhour^d Part :. 
Each Charailer be jufi, and Nature feem ; 
Without th* Ingredient J Wit^ ^tis all hut Phlegm 
For that^s the Soul^ which all the Mafs mujl move^ 
And wake our Pajfions into Griefs or Love. 
But you, too Bounteous^ fow your Wit (o thick y 
We are furfriz!d^ and know not where to fick : 
And while our Clafpng does you Juflice do^ 
Our felves we injur Cy and lofe fomething new^ 
What may tit we then, great Touthy of thee prefage^ 
Whofe Art and Wit fo much tranfcend thy Age ? 
How wilt thou fhine atsthy Meridian height ? n 
Who J at thy rifing^ giv Jl fo vajl Light. 
When D R Y D E N dying, (hall the World deceive^ 
Whom we Immortal, as his Works, believe ; 
^ Thou {halt fucceed, the Glory of the Stage, ^ 
Adorn and entertain the coming Ag'9. 



Bevil HiffgOM* 



f K 0- 



FR OLOGVE intended for the Old Bmck^ 
lour^ fent to the Author^ by an unknown Hand. 

MOft Authors on the Stage at firft appear 
Like Widows-Bridegrooms, full ot doubt and fear : 
They Judge from the experience of the Dame, 
How hard a Task it is to quench her Flame : 
And who falls fhort of furniChing a courfe, 
Up to his brawny Predeceffors force ; : 
With utmoft rage from her embraces thrown, 
Remains conviCted, as an empty Drone. 
Thus often, to his Shame, a pert Beginner 
Proves in the end, a miferable Sinner. 

As for our Youngfter, I am apt to doubt him : 
With all the vigour of his Youth about him : 
But4ie, more Sanguine, trufts in one and twenty^ 
And impudently hopes he fhall content you r 
For tho' his Batchelour be worn and cold : 
He thinks the Young may club to help the Old : 
And what alone can be atchiev'd by neither, 
Is often brought about by both together. ^ 
The briskeft of you all have felt Alarm% 
Finding the fair One proftitute her Charms C 
With broken Sighs, in her old Fumblers Arms. ) 
But for our Spark, he Swears he'll neV be Jealous 
Of any Rivals, but young lufty Fellows. ' 
Faith let him try his Chance, and if the Slave, 
After his bragging prove a wafhy Knave, 
May he be banifh'd to fome lonely Den, 
And never more have leave to dip his Pen : 
But if he be the Champion he pretends. 
Both Sexes fure will joyn to be his Friends ; 
For all agree, where all can have their ends. 
And you muft own him for a Man of Might, 
If he holds out to pleafe you the third Night. 

PRO- 



PROLOGUE. 

Spoken by Mrs. Bracegirdle, 



HO W this vile World is chm£d I In former days. 
Prologues^ were ferious Speeches^ before Plays j 
Grave folemn Things^ as Graces are to Feajls ; 
Where Poets heg£d a Blefjing from their Gueftsi 
BntnoWy no more like Suppliants we come; 
A Play m^kes War, and Prologue is the Drum :■ 
Jrm d with keen Satyr y and with pointed Wit y 
We threaten you who do for Judges (ity 
To fave our Plays^ or elfe we'll damn your Pit. 
But fof ^your Comfort j it falls out to daf^ 
We^ve a young Author and his firfl horn Play ; 
So^ ftanding only on his good Behaviour ^ 
H^s very civil^ and entreats your Favour. 
Not hut the Man has Malice^ would he fhowity '\ 
But on my Confcience he's a bafhful Poet ; C 
Tou think that firange-^-no matter hiH out-grew it.}. 
Well^ Vm his Advocate* — by me he frays youj 
(I dorft know whether I {ball [peak topleafe you) 
He prays — blefs me ! what jhall I do now ! 
Hang me if I know what he frays^ or how ! 
And ^twas the prettiefi Prologue as he wrote it ! 
fVellj the Deuce take me^ if 1 han^t forgot it. 

Loirdy for Heavens fake excufe the Play^ ^ 
Becaufcy you know^ if it be darned to daff C 
/ fiall be hanged for wanting what to fay. 3 
For my fake then— but Vm in fuch Confufion^ 

1 cannot fiay to hear your Refolution^ 



(Runs ofE 



Per 



Perfon^E Dramatis. 



Men 

Meartrvell^ z furly old Batchelour, 
pretending to flight Women 
fecretly in Love with Sihia^ 

Bellmoury in Love with Belwda^ 
Vawlo^Cj capricious in his Love 5 

in Love with Araminta^ 
Sharper^ 

&> Jofeph Wittol, 

Fondlewife^ a Banker^ 
Setter^ a Pimp, 
Servant to Fondlemfe. 



By 



Mr* Betterton. 

Mr. Powel. 
Mr. Williams- 
Mr. Alexander. 

Mr. 86wen. 

Mr. Haines. 

Mr. Dogget. 
Mr. UnderhilL 



Women, 

Araminta^ in Love with Vainlo^e^ Mrs. Bracegirdle. 

Belinda y her Coufin • an afFefted? , - \. ^ 
T , ^ . T -.u X? 1/ r Mrs. Mountrort. 

Lady, m Love with Bellmoury 3 

Latitiay Wife to Fondlewife^ Mrs. Barry. 

Sylzfia^ Vainlo'ves forfaken Miftrifs, Mrs. Bowman. 

Lttey^ l^r Maid, Mrs. Leigh. 

Bmy. 

Foolmn. 



The Scene, LOND ON, 



C I ) 



THE 



Old Batchelour. 



A C T I. S C E N E I. The Street. 



Bellmour a^d Vainlove meeting. 



V 



Bttt,^y[ J^yawlove^ and abroad To early! good Morrow, I thought a 
Contemplative Lover could no more have parted with his 
Bed in a Morning, than h' could have flept in't. 
Fain. BeHmonr^ good Morrow Why truth on't is, thefc 
early Sallies are not ufual to me ; but Bulinefs as you fee,Sir~ (^Shewin^ Letters. 
And Bufinefs muft be followed, or be lofl". 

Bili. Pox o' Bufmefs — And fo muft Time, my Friend, be clofe purfued, 
or loft. Bufinefs is the rub of Life, perverts our Aim, caftsofFthe Bias, 
and leaves ns wide and fliort of the intended Mark, 
rain. Pleafure, I guefs you mean. 
BeiL Ay, what elfe has meaning ? 

Kaw. Oh the Wife will tell you 

BeU, More than they believe- .- Or underftand. 
Vain. How, how, Ned^ a wife Man fay more than he underftands ? 
BelL Ay, ay, pox Wifdom's nothing but a pretending to know and be- 
lieve more than we really do. You read of but one wife Man, and all 
that he knew was, that he knew nothing. Come, come, leave Bufmefs 
to Idlers, and VVifdom to Fools; they have need of 'em: Wit, be my 
Faculty; and Pleafure, my Occupation ; and let Father Time (hake his 
Glafs. Let low and earthly Souls grovel till they have work'd themfelves 

fix foot deep into a Grave Bufinefs is not my Element 1 rowl in 

a higher Oi band dwell — 

f^ain. In Caftlcs iih' Air of thy own building : That's thy Element, 

Ned Well as high a Flyer as you are, 1 have a Lure may make you 

iloop. ( Flings a Utter. 

Bell. I marry Sir, I have a Hawks Eye» at a Womms hand ——There's 

B 2 mere 



CO 

lUore Elegancy in the falfe Spelling of this Super- Tak^s up the Letttr 

fcription than in all C'mto Let me fee How novy ! Dear perfi* 

dious Fainlove, ^ ( Reads^ 

Fain, Hold, hold, 'flife that's the wrong. 

Bill. Nay let's fee the Name (Sylvia ! ) how can'A thou be ungrateful to 

that Creature ? She's extreamjy pretty and loves thee intirely 1 have 

heard her breath fuch Raptures about thee 

f^ain. Ay, or any Body that file's about— 

BelL No faith frriTff^youwfong her ^ (he has been Jufl: to you. ♦ 

Vain, that's pleafant, by niy troth from thee, who haft enjoy'd her. 

BelL Never Her Affeftions, 'cis true by Heaven, fiie own'd it to my 
Face ; and blufhing like the Virgin Morn when it difclofed the Cheat, 
which, that trufty Bawd of Nature, Night, had hid, confcfs'd her Soul 
was true to you ^ tfao I by treachery had ftoU'n the Blifs — 

Fain. So' was true as Turtle in imagination Ned^ ha? Preach this 

Doftrine to Husbands, and the married Women will adore thee. 

BelL Why faith I think it will do well enough- If the HusfaM^ be 

out of the way, for the Wife to Ihew her Fondnefs and Impatifpi^pf his 
Abfence, bychoofing a Lover as like him aslhe can> and wh^t is unlike 
jfhe may iielp out with her own Fancy. 

Fain^ hwt is it not an Abufe to the Lover to be made a Blind of? For 
(he only ftalks under him to take aim at her Husband. 

BelL As you fay the Abufe is to the Lover, not the Husband : For 'tis an 
Argument of her great Zeal towards him, that flie will enjoy him in 
Effigie. 

Fain, It muft be a very fuperftitious Country, where fuch Zeal pafles^ 
for true Devotion. 1 doubt it will be damaM by all our Proteftant Hus- 
bands for flat Idolatry But if you can make Alderman FWtoi/c of 

yourPerfwafion, this Letter will be needlefs. 

Beli What, the old Banker with the handfom Wife? 

Fain, Ay. 

BelU Let me fee, Latitia] Oh 'tis a delicious MorfeL Dear Fr^wi^ thou 
artthe trueft Friend in the World. 

Fain. Ay, am I not ? To be continually ftar ting of Hares for you to cour fe. 
We were certainly cut out for one another ? for my Temper quits an 
Amour, juft where thine takes it up But read that, it is an Appoint- 
ment for me, this Evening ; when Fondiewifc will be gone out of Town^ 
to meet the Matter ofa Ship about the return of a Venture which he's in 
danger of lollng. Read, read. 

BeiL Reads. Hum, Hum Ont of Town this Evemn^, and talks of 

finding for Mr. Spintext to keep mi Company \ but IHI tah carCy he fhall not be 
m home. Good \ Spintext / Oh the Fanatick one-ey'd Parfon ! 

Fain. Ay. 

BeiL Reads. Hun!>, Hum That your Converfation wilt be much more 

dtreeabk^ ifyofi can fOHmerfeit hii Habit ^bUrid the Servants. Very good ! 



C3) 

Then I mnll be difguifed With all my Heart — —It adds a Gufto to an 

Amour ^ gives it the greater refemblance of Theft ; and among us lewd 
Mortals, the deeper the Sin the fweeter. Frank I'm amaz'd at thy good 
Nature 

T/iw. Faith I hate Love when 'tis forced upon a Man, as I do Wine — 
And this Bufincfs is none of my feeking ; I only hapned to be once or 
twice, where Latitia was the handfomeft Woman in Company, fo con- 
fequently apply'd my felf to her — And it feeras (be has taken me at my 
word — Had you been there or any Body 't had been the fame. 

Betl. I wilh 1 may fucceed as the fame. 

raw. Never doubt it ^ for if the Spirit of Cuckoldom be once raifed 
up in a Woman^ the Devil cant't lay it, till flie has don't. 

Betl. Prithee, what fort of Fellow is i^W/eiw/^e 

rain. A kind of Mongrel Zealot, fometimes very precife and peevifli i 
But 1 have feenhim pleafant enough in his way ^ much addifted tojea- 
loulie, but more to Fondnefs : So that as he is often Jealous without a 
Ga«fc, he'is as often fatisfied without Reafon. 

Beu^A very even^ Temper and fit for ray purpofe. I mult get your Man 
Setter to provide my Difguife. 

raw. Ay, you may take him for good and all if you will, for you have 
made him fit for no body elfe — Well— 

Beil. You're going to vilit in return of 5yt//Vs Letter Poor Rogue, 

Any hour of the day or night will ferve her — But do you know nothing 
of a new Rival there ? 

rain. Yes, Heartwell^ that furly, old, pretended Woman-hater thin ks her 
Vertuous ; that's one reafon wAy I fail her : I would have her fret her felf 
out of conceit with me, that flie may entertain fome Thoughts of him. I 
know he vifits her ev'ry day. 

Bell. Yet rails on ftill, and thinks bis Love unknown tons; a little time 
will fweU him fo, herauft be forc'd to give it birth, and the difcovery 
• muft needs be very pleafant from himfelf, to fee what pains he will take, 
and how he will ftrain to be delivered of a Secret, when he has mifcarried 
on't already, 

rain. Well, good Morrow, let's dine together. Ill meet at the old place. 

Bell. Withall my Htart, it lies convenient for us to pay our Afternoon 
Service to our Miftrefles \ I find 1 am damnably in Love, I'mfo uneafie 
for not feeing Belinda yefterday. 

rain. But I faw my Aramintay yet am as impatient. ( Exiti 

Bell. Why what a Cormorant in Love am 1! who not contented with 
the flavery of honourable Love in one place, and the pleafure of enjoying 
fome half a fcore Miftrefles of my own acquiring ; muft yet take rainlove'i 
Bufinefs upon my hands, becaufe it lay too heavy upon his So am not on- 
ly forc'd to lie with other Mens Wives for 'em, but muft alfo undertake ths 

harder Task of obliging their Miftrelles 1 muft take op, or I (hall never 

hold out \ Flelh and Blood cannot bear it always. 



(4) 

Effter Sharper. 

Sharps Pm forry to fee this, AW : Once a Man comes to his Soliloquys 
i give him for gone. 

Bel!. Sharper^ I'm glad to fee thee. 

Sharp. What^ is Belinda cruel, that you are fo thoughtful ? 

BdL No faith, not for that — -But thereV a Bulinefs of Confequence 
falPn out to day that requires fome Confideration. 

Sharp. Prithee what mighty Bufinefsof Confequence canfl; thou have ? 

BelL Why you mult know , 'tis a piece of Work toward the finilhing 
of an Alderman ; it feems I mufl: put the lafthand to it, and dub him 
Cuckold, that he may be of equal Dignity with the reft of his Brethren, 
So i muft beg ^eZ/W^'s Pardon— 

Sharp. Faith e'en give her over for good-and-all ^ you can have no hopes 
0f getting her for a Miftrifs, and fhe is toa proud, too inconftant, too 
affedled and too witty, and too handfome for a Wife. 

Eell.^ni flie can't have too much Money— There's twelve thoufand pound 
Tom.^ ' lis true Ihe is exceflively foppifli and aff*e(n:ed,but in my Confc^f nee 
I believe the Baggage loves me, for (he never fpeaks well of me fc? felf, 
nor fufFers any body elfe to rail at- me. Then as I told you there's twelve 
thoufand Pound— Hum— Why faith upon fccond Thoughts, Ihe does not 
appear to be io very afFedted neither — Give her her due, I think the Wo- 
man's a Woman, and that's all. As fuch Tm fure I flialliike her j for the 
Devil take me if I don't love all the Sex. 

Sharp, And here comes one who fwears as heartily he hates all the Sex. 

Enter Heartwell. 

BdU Who Beartwell ! Ay, but he knows better things - — How novi 
<jeorgey where haft thou been fnarling odious Truths, and entertaining 
Company like a Phyfician, with difcourfeof their difeafes and infirmities? 
What fine Lady haft thou been putting out of conceit with her f€lf,and {)er« 
fwading that the face fhe had been making all the morning was none of her 
own? for I know thou art as unmannerly and as imwelcome to a Woman, \ 
as a Looking-glafs after the Small-pox. ? - 

Heart. I confefs 1 have not been fneering fulfom Lyes and naufeous 
Flattery, fawning upon a little tawdry Whor^, that will fawn upon me 
again, and entertain any Puppy that comes ; lik« a. Tumbler with the 
fame tricks over and over. For fuch I guefs may have been your late 
employment. 

Bell. Would thou hadft come a little fooner , Fainlove would have 
wrought thy Converfion, and been a Champion for the Caufe. 

/^/e^rf. AWhjit^ has he been here? that's one of Loves fools, \% 
always upon fome Errand that's to no purpofe, ever embarking in Adven- 
tures, yet never comes to harbour. 

Sharp. That's becaufe he always fets OHt in foul Weather, loves to buflct 
with the Winds, meet the Tide and fail in the teeth of oppolition. 

Heart, What has he not dropt Anchor at Jraminta r 

Bell. Tiuth 



(5) 

Bell, Truth on*t is flie fits his temper beft, is a kind of floating Ifland \ 
fometimes feems ia reach, then vanifhes and keeps him bufied in the fearch. 

Shdrf, She had need have a good fliare of fenfe to manage fo Caprkioiu a 
Lover. 

Ben, Faith I don't know, Jhe's of a temper the mofteafieto himfelf ia 
the World ^ he takes as much always of an Amour as he cares for, and 
quits it when it grows ftale or unpleafant. 

Shafp, An argument of very little Paflion, very good Underftanding^ 
and very ill Nature. 

Uean, And proves that Fainlove plays the Fool with Difcretion. 

Sharp. You Bellmur are bound in gratitude to ftickle for him ^ you with 
pleafure reap that fruit, which he takes pains to fow : he does the drud- 
gery in the Mine, and you ftamp your image on the Geld. 

Bell. He's of another opinion, and fays I do the drudgery in the Mine ^ 
well, we have each our fliare of fport, and each that which he likes kit j 
his his diverfion to Set, 'tis mine to Cover the Partridge. 

Ueart. And it ftiould be mine to let 'em go again. 

Sharp. Not till you had Mouth'd a little Ceor^e^ I think that's all thoa 
art fit for now. 

Heart, Good Mr. Young-fellow, you're miftaken as able as your felf, 
and as nimble too, tho 1 mayn't have fo much Mercury in my Limbs j 'tis 
true indeed, 1 don't force Appetite, but wait the natural call of ray Lull, 
and think it time enough to be lewd, after I have had the temptation. 

Bell. Time enough, aytoofoon, I fliould rather have expected, from a 
perfon of your gravity. 

Heart. Yet it is oftentimes too late with fome of you young, tarmagant 
fiafliy finners — you have all the guilt of the intention, and none of the 
pleafure of thepradice — *tis true you are fo eager in purfuit of the temp- 
tation, that you fave the Devil the trouble of leading you into it : Nor is 
it out of difcretion, that you don't fwallow that very Hook your felves 
have baited, but ycu are cloy'd with the preparative, and what you mean 
for a Whet, turns the edge of your puny Stomachs. Your love is like your 
courage, which you Ihew for the firft year or two upon all occafions ; till 
in a little time, being difabled ordifarm'd, you abate of your vigour; 
and that daring Blade which was fo often drawn, is bound to the Peace 
for ever after. 

Bell. Thou art an old Fornicator of a fingular good principle indeed ! 
and art for encouraging Youth, that they may be as wicked as thou arc 
at thy years. « 

Heart. 1 am for having every body be what they pretend to bev a 
Whoremafterbe a Whoremafter ^ and not like Fawlove^ kifs a Lap Dog 
with pafiion, when it would difguft hlin from the Ladies own Lips. 

BtlL That only happens fometimes, where the Dog has the fweetcr 
Breath, for the more cleanly conveyance. But George^ you mult not quar* 
rel with little Gallantries of this nature; Women are often won by 'era.. 



(6) 

who would refafe to kifi i Lf p Dog, if k were preliminary to the Lips of 

his Lady ( 

Sharp, Or omit piny ing with herFaa, and cooling her if fhe were hot, 
when it might intltle hira to the office of warming her when fte (hould be 
cold? 

BelL What is it to read a Play in a rainy day, when it may be the means 
of getting into a fair Ladies Books? Though you (hould be now and then 
interrupted in a witty Scene, and Ihe perhaps preferve her laughter, till the 
Jefl: were over ^ even this may be born with, confidering the reward in 
profpeft. 

Heart, I confefs you that are Womens Afles bear greater burdens, are 
forced to undergo Drefling, Dancing, Singing, Sighing, Whining, Rhy- 
ming, Flattering, Lying, Grinning, Cringing, and the drudgery of loving 
to boot, ; ' 

BelL O Brute, the drudgery of Loving ! 

Heart. Ay, why to come to Love through all thefe incumbrances is like 
coming to an Eftate overcharg'd with Debts, which by the time you have 
pay*d, yields no further profit than what the bare tillage and manuring 
of the Land will produce at the expence of your own Sweat. 

BelL Prithee how doft thou love ? 

Sharp, He! he hates the Sex. 

He^irt. So I hate phyfick too yet I may love to take it for my 

Health. 

BelL Well come off, George^ if at any time you (hould be taken ftraying. 
Sharp. He has need of fuch an excufe, confidering the prefent ftate of 
his Body. 

Heart. How d'ye mean ? 

Sharp. Why if whoring be purging ( as you call it ) then I may fay Mar- 
riage is entering into a courfe of Phyiick. 

BelL Hovf J George^ does the Wind blow there ? 

Heart. It will asfoon blow North and by South- marry quotha ! I hope 
in Heaven I have a greater portion of Grace, and I think 1 have baited too 
many of thofe Traps, to be caught in one my felf. 

Be/L WhotheDevil would have thee? uniefs 'twere an Oyfter- woman, 

to propagate young Fry for Bilingfgate thy Talent will never reconj-- 

mend thee to any thing of better quality. 

Heart. My Talent is chiefly that of fpea king truth, which I don't ex- . * 
pedt fliould ever recommend me to People of Quality — 1 thank Heaven, I 
have very honeftly purchased the hatred of all the great Families in Town. 

Sharp. And you in return of Spleen hate them : But could you hope to 
be receiv'd into the Alliance of a noble Family 

Heart. No, I hope I (hall never merit that afBiftion tobepuni(h'd 

with a Wife of Birth— be a Stag of the firft Head and bear my Horns 
aloft, like one of the fupporters of my Wives Coat. SMeath 1 would 
not be a Cuckold to eVe an illultrious Whore in England, 

BelL 



(7) 

Bell. VVhatnottomake your Family Man! and provide for your Chil- 
dren ? 

Sharp. For her Children you mean. 

Heart. Ay there youVe nick't it— -there's the Devil upon Devil — — 
Oh the Pride and Joy of Heart 'twould be to me, to have my Son and 

Heir refemble fuch a Duke to have a fieering Coxcomb fcofF and cry, 

Mr. your Son's mighty like his Grace, has juft his fmile and air of 's Face. 

Then replies another methings he has more of the Marquefs of fuch a 

place, about his Nofe and Eyes ; though h' has my Lord what d'ee-calls 
Mouth to a Tittle ^ — Then I to put it off as unconcern'd, come chuck the 
Infant under the chin, force a fmile and cry, ay, the Boy takes after his 
Mothers relations — when the Devil and flse knows, 'tis a little Com- 
pound of the whole Body of Nobility. 

Sharp. 1^3, ha, ha. 

Bell. Well but George I have one Queftion to ask you 

Heart. Pox 1 have pratled away my time — I hope you are in no hafte 

for an Anfwer for I flian't ftay now. ( Lockirjg on his watch . 

BeU. 1^2,^ ^xithtQ George^ 

Heart. No, befides my bufinefs, I fee a Fool coming this way. Adieif. 

( Exit. 

Bell. What does he mean ? Oh here he comes, (land clofe, let 'era pafs. 

Sir 3oftph Wittoll and Capt Blujfe crofs the Stage. 
Sharp. What in the name of wonder is it / 
Bell. Why a Fool. ' 
Sharp. Tis a tawdry Outfide. 

Bell. And a very beggarly Lining-yet he may be worth your acquain- 
tance—a little of thy Chymiftry Tow^ may extra(fl Gold from that Dirt. 

Sharp. Say you fo ? 'faith I am as poor as a Chy mift, and would be as in- 
duflrious. But what was he that followed him ? is not he a Dragon that 
watches thofe Golden Pippins ? 
• Bell. Hang him, no, he a Dragon! if he be 'tis a very peaceful one, I 
can enfure his Anger dormant ^ or fhould he feem to roufe , 'tis bui well 
laihing him, and he will fleep like a Top. 

5 Ay, is he of that kidney? ^ 

Bell. Yet is ador'd by that Biggot Sr. Jofeph Wittoll^ as the image of 

Valour: He calls him his Back, and indeed they are never afunder 

yet laft night, I know not by what mifchance, the Knight was alone, and 
had fallen into the hands of fome Night-walkers, who! fuppofe would 
have pillaged him : But I chanc'd to come by and refcued him, though I 
believe he was heartily frightned, for as foon as ever he was loofe, .te ijan 
away, without (laying to fee who help'd him, - * 

Sharp. Is that Bully of his in the Army ? 

Bell. No, but is a pretender, and wears the habit of a Soldier, which now 
a' days as often cloaks Cov\rardice, as a black Gown does Atheifm — You 

C mull 



r 8 i 

ffiuft know he has been abroad ~ went purely to run away from a Cam- 

pagnej^eraichMhimfelf withthe plunder of a few Oaths j -—and here 
vents 'em ^gainft the General, who flighting men of merit, and preferring 
only thoft of intereft, has made him quit the Service. 

Sharp, Wherein no doubt he magnifies his own performance. 

BelL Speaks miracles, is the Drum to his own ^raife — the only imple- 
ment of a Soldier he refembles, like that, being full of bluftring noife and 
emptinefs-^ 

Sharp. And like th at, of no ufe but to be beaten. 

BelL Right, but therithe Comparifonbreaks.3 for he will takea drub* 
bing with as little noife as a Pulpit Cufiiion. 

Sharp. His name, and I have done. 

BelL Why that, to pafs it current too, he has gilded with a Title ^ he 
is caird, Capt. i5/^/e. i 
Sharp. ^VVell, Pli endeavour his acquaintance— you fteer another Courfe, 

are bounds 

For Love'^s JJland: for the Golden Coaji^ 

Afay each /Hcceed in what he wifhes mofi. - E^ceunt* 



ACT IL SCENE L 

Sir Jofeph Wittoll, foUowhg. 

SWp.QUre that'ste, and alone. 

O Sir yo. Um— Ay this, this is the very damnM place the in- 
humane Cannibals, the bloody-minded Villains would have Butcher'd 
me lafi: night : No doubt, they would have flea'd me alive, have fold my 
Skin, and devoured my Members. 
Sharp, How's thi^ 

Sir Jo. An it hadn't been for a civil Gentleman as came by and fright- 
ned *em away— but agad I durfl: not Hay to give him thanks. 

Sharps This muft be Bellmour he means — ha ! I have a thought — 

Sir so. zooks, would the Captain would come \ the very remembrance 
makes me quake ; agad I (hall never be reconciled to this place heartily. 

Sh4irp, 'Tis But trying, and being where I am at worft, now luck !— • 
curs'd fortune ! this muft be the place, this damn'd unlucky place 

Sir Jo. Agad and fo 'tis why here has been more mifchief done I 

per-Gei>ve. 

Sharp. No, 'tis gone, 'tis loft — ten thoufand Devils on that chance 
which drtw me hither j ay here, juft here, this fpot to me is Hell ^ no- 
thipg to be found, but the defpair of what I've loft. 

( LoQ^ngahoHtas in Jearch. 

Sir Jo, 



(9) 

til' Jo, Poor Gentleman— 'by iht Lord Hnrry Pllftay no longer, for 
I have found too — 
Sharp. Ha ! who's that has found ? what have you found ? refiore it 

quickly, or by 

Sir Jo. Not I Sir, not I, as I've a Soul to be favM, I have found nothing 
but what has been to ray lofs, as I may fay, and as you were faying, Sir. 

Sharp, O your Servant, Sir, you are fafe then it fecms ^ 'cis an ill Wind 
that blows no body good : Well, you may rejoyce over my ill fortune, fince 
it payM the price of your ranforae. 

Sir Jo, I rejoyce ! agad not I, Sir ^ I'm very forry for your lofs, with all 
my Heart, Blood and Guts, Sir and if you did but know me, you'd 
nere fay 1 were fo ill natur'd. 
Sharp. Know you i why can you be fo ungrateful, to forget me! 
Sir Jo. O Lord forget him ! No, no Sir I don't forgfX you— becaufe I 
never fa w your face before, agad. Ha, ha, ha. 

Sharp. How ! ( Angrilyl 

Sir 30. Stay, flay Sir, let me recoiled — he's a damn'd angry Fellow 

I believe I had better remember him, till I can get out of his fight ^ but 
out ojj^ht out o' mind agad. {Afide, 
Sharf. Methought the Service I did you lafl: night, Sir, in preferving you 
from thofe Ruffians, might have taken better root in your fhallow memory. 

Sir Jg. Gads-Daggers»Belts-Bladesand Scabbards,this is the very Gentle 
man ! hov^lhall 1 make bim a return fuitable to the greatnefs of his merit — 
I had a pretty thing tothat purpofe,- if he han't frighted it out of my me- 
mory. Hem ! hem ! Sir, 1 muft fubmilTively implore your pardon for my 
tranfgreffion of ingratitude and omiflion 5 having my intire dependance. Sir, 
upon the fuperfiuity of your goodnefs, which, like an innundation will, I 
hope, totally im merge the recollection of my error, and leave me floating 
in your fight, upon the/uli blown Bladders of repentance^ — by the help 
of which, I Ihall once more hope to fwim into your favour. ( B^ws. 

Sharp. So-hj O Sir I am eafily pacify'd, the acknowledgment of a 
Gentleman— - 

Sir Jo. Acknowledgment ! Sir I am all over acknowledgment, and will 
not ftick to fhewit in the greateft extremity, by night, or by day, in fick- 
nef?,or in health, v/inter, or fummer, allfeafons and occafions fhali tefti- 
fy the reality and gratitude of your fuperahondant humble Servant Sir Ja^ 
feph WinollKnighZ. Hem! hem! 

Sharp. Sir Jofeph WittolL 

Sir Jo. The fame Sir, of Whtoli hdl in Comitatu Bucks. 
Sharp. Is it poffiWe! Then I am happy to have obliged theMirrourof 
Knighthood and Pink of Courtefie in the Age, let me embrace you. 
Sir^o. O Lord Sir! 

Sharp. My lofs, I efteem as a trifle repay 'd with intereft, fince it has pur- 
chasM me the friendfhip and acquaintance of the perfon in the World, 
whofe Chara^er I admire. 

C 2 Sir Jo. 



C 10 ; 

Sir ya. You are only pleaf'dtofay fo, Sir ^But pray if I may befo 

bold, what is that lofs you mention'? 

Sharp. O term it no longer fo, Sir. In the Scuffle lafi: Night I only dropt 
a Bill of a hundred Pound, which I confefs, I cams half dcfpairing to reco- 
ver ; but thanks to my better Fortune — 

Sir Jo. You have found it Sir then it feems^ I profefs Pm heartily 
glad-- — ■ 

Sharp. Sir your humble Servant 1 don't queftion but you are ^ that 

you have fo cheap an opportunity of expreffing your gratitude and gene- 
rofity. Since the refunding fo trivial a Sum, will wholly acquit you and 
doubly engage me. ' 

Sir Jo. What a dickens does he mean by a trival Sum (^/^/^. ) But han't 
you found it, Sir ! 

Sharp, No otherwife I vow to Gad but in my hopes in you, Sir, 

Sk^o. Humh. 

Sharp. But that's fufEcient— Twere injuftice to doubt the honour of 
Sir Ja. Wiml. 

Sir Jo. O Lord Sir. 

Sharp. You are above (I'm fufe ) a thought fb low, to fuffer me to 
lofe what was ventur'd in yourfervice; Nay 'twas in a man ner^^ Paid 
down for your deliverance; 'cwasfomuch lent you— And you fcorn, I'll 
fay that for you 

Sir^o. Nay I'll fay that for my felf (with your leave Sir) I do fcorn a 
dirty thing. ButagadI'm a little out of pocket at prefent. 

Sharp. Pfhaw you cant want a hundred Pound. Your Word is fuffici- 
ent any where : 'lis but borrowing fo much dirt, you have large Acres 
and can foon repay it— Mony is but Dirt Sir Jofeph-^hUcr Dirt. 

Sir Jo. But I profefs, 'tis a Dirt I have v/aflied my hands of at prefent 
1 have laid it all out upon my Back. 

Sharp. Are you fo extravagant in Cloaths Sir Jo/eph ? . 

Sir Jo. Ha, ha, ha, a very good Jeft 1 profefs, ha, ha, ha, a very good 
Jeft, and I did not know that I had faid it, and that's a better Jeft than 
t'other. ' ris a fign you and 1 ha'n't been long acquainted you have loft 

a good Jeft for want of knowing me 1 only mean a Friend of mine 

whom I call my Back *, he flicks as clofe to me, and follows me through 
all dangers— - he is indeed Back, Breaft and Headpiece as it were to me 

— agad he's a brave Fellow Pauh, I am quite another thing, when I 

am with him : I don't fear the Devil ( God blefs us ) almoft if he be by. 
Ah — -had he been with me laft night — — 

Sharp. IfhehadSir, what then ? he could have done no more, nor per- 
haps have fuffer'd fo.much had he a hundred Pound to lofe i (^^w^ly^ 

Sir Jo. O Lord Sir by no means ( but I might have fav'da hundred 
Pound) I meant innocently as I hope to be fav'd Sir ( a damn'd hot Fel- 
low) only as 1 was faying, Ilet him have all my ready Money to redeem 
his great Sword from Limbo — ~ But Sir I have a Letter of Credit to Al- 
derman 



dcrm^n FonMewife^ as far as two hundred Pound, and this Afternoon you 
ftaJlfeelama Perfon, fuch a one as you would wi(h to have met with. 

Sharp, That you are Vll be fworn (^a/tde. ) Why that's great and like your 
felf. 

Emr BlufFe. 

Siv7o. O here af comes— — Ay my He(n:or of Troy, welcome my Bully, 
my Back \ agad my heart has gone apit pat for thee. 

Bliff. How now, my young Knight ? Not for fear I hope ; he that knows 
memnlt beaftranger to fear. ^^^r 

Sir Jo, Nay agad I hate fear ever fince I had like to hate dy'd of a fright- 
But— 

Bluf. But? Look you here Boy, here's your antidote, here's your Je- 

fuites Powder for a (baking fit But who haft thou got with rhee, is he of 

mettle ? (^Laying his Hand upon his Sword^ 

Sir Jo. Ay Bully, a Devilifh fmart Fellow, 'a will fight like a Cock. 

Bluf, Say you fo? then I honour him But has he been abroad? 

for every Cock wiUfight upon his own Dunghih 

Sirji?. I don't know, but I'll prefent you — 

Blujf. ni recommend my felf- Sir I honour you^ I underftand you 

love Fighting, I reverence a man thai loves Fighting, Sir I Kifs your 
Hilts. 

Sh'arp, Sir ypur Servant, but you are miiinform'd, for unlefs it be to 
ferve my partSfBlar Friend, as Sir Jofeph here, my Country, or my Reli- 
gion, orinfome very Juftifiable Caufe, Tm not for it. 
^//^^ O Lord I beg your pardon Sir, Ifind you are not of my Pallat, 

you can't relifli a Difh of Fighting without Sweet Sawce. Now I think 

Fighting, for Fighting fake's fufficient Caufe j . Fighting, tome's Religion 
and the Laws. 

Sir5o. Ah, well fa id my Hero^ was not that great Sir ? by the Lord- 
HarryAvt^di-p true. Fighting, is Meat, Drink and Cloth to him. Bud 
• Back, this Gentleman is one of the beft Friends 1 have in the World and 
faved my Life laft Night- You know Itol-d you. 

Bhijfe, Ay ! Then I honour him again— Sir may I crave your name ? 

Sharp. Ay Sir, my name'sSWper. 

Sir Jo. Pray Mr. Sharper Embrace my Back — very well — by the 
Lord HarryWlr, Sharper he's as brave a Fellow as Cannibal, are not yott 
Bully— Back ? 

Sharp, Hamibal I believe you mean Sir Jofeph, 

Bluff, Undoubtedly he did Sir j faith Hannibal was a very pretty Fellow 

but Sir Jofeph^ comparifons are odious — Hannibal ^f^zs a very pretty 

Fellow in thofe Days, it muft be granted but Alas Sir.' were he alive 

now, he v;ould be nothing, Nothing in the Eartb. 

Sharp, How Sir ! I make a doubt, if there be at this Day a greater Ge- 
neral breathing. 

Bluff, Oh excufe me Sir 5 have you ferv'd abroad, Sir? 

Not I really, Sir. Bhff. OH 



C 13 ) 

Bl^. Oh I thought fo Why then you can know nothing Sir; I*am 
afraid you fcarce know the Hiftory of the Late War in Fknd^rs^ with all 
Its particulars. 

Sbiirf, Not I, Sir, no more than pubiick Letters, or Gamnh tell us. 

Bliif. Gatette ! Why there again now— Why, Sir, there are notthree 

words of Truth, the Year round, put into theGaizette Pliteilyou a 

ftrange thing now as to that You mull know. Sir, 1 was refidentin 

FUrJers the lafl; Campagn, had a fmall Poft there 5 but no matter for 
that — -Perhaps, Sir, there was fcarce any thing of moment done but an 
humble Servant of yours^ that fhsllbe namelefs, was an Eye wltnefs of— 
I won'c fay had the greateft (hare in'c. Tho I might fay that too, fince l 
name no Body you know — —Well, Mr. Sharper^ would you chink it ?In all 
this time — as I hope for a Truncheon— this rafcally Gazette- writer never 
fo m.uch as once mentionM me— Not once by the Wars- Took no more 
notice, than as if NoL Bkfe had not been in the Land of the Living. 

Sharp, Strange ! 

Sir Jo, Yet by the Lord Harry 'tis true Mr. Sharper^ for I wenS every 
day to Coffee- houfes to read the Gazette my ftlf, 

Bl^f, Ay ay, no matter You fee Mr, Sharper after all I am con- 
tent to retire — — ^ive a private Perfon — — - Scipio and others have 
done it. 

Sharp, Impudent Rogue. (aJlJe, 

Sir Jo. Ay, this damn'd Modefty of yours ~— Agafl if he would put 
in for'c he might be made General himfelf yet. 

JBlnf. Oh fy, no Sir Sofiph- — ~ You know I hate this. 

Sir Jo, Let me but tell Mr. Sharper a little, how you eat fire once out of 
the mouth of a Cannon— -agad he did j thofe impenetrable Whiskers of 
his have confronted Flames- ^ 

Skf, Death, what do you mean Sir 3^o/ep^? 

Sir Jo. Look you ffow, I tell you he's fo modefl: he^l own nothing. 

Bluf. Pifh you have put me our, I have forgot what 1 was about. Fray 
hold your Tongue, and give me leave. _ i^^g^^fy* 

Sir 3^0. l amdumb. 

Bluf, This Sword I think I was telling you of Mr. Sharper This 

Sword Pll maintain to be the beft Divine, Anatomift, Lawyer or Cafuift 
m Europe j it fliall decide a Controverfie or fpUt a Cz^k — 

Sir Jo. Nay, now I mufl: fpeak ^ it will fplit a Hair, by the Lord Harry^ 
I have feen it. 

Blhjf. ZounsSir, it's a Lye, you have not feea it, nor fhan't fee it j Sir 
I fay you can't fee ^ what do'e fay to that now ? 
Sir 30. 1 am blind. 

Bluf, Death, had any other Man interrupted me-*— 

Sir Jo. Good Mr. 5^^«/?er fpeaktohim; I dare not look thaft way. 

Sharp, Captain, Sir Jo/^/j/j's penitent. 

Sliiff. O i am csltn Sir, calm as a difcharged Culverin But 'twas in- 

difcreet 



r 13 ) 

dtTcreet, when you know what will provoke mc — - Nay come Sir 
you know my Heat's foon over. 

Sir jo, V Veil I am a Fool fomedmes— But I'm forry. 

Blpf, Enough, 

Sir Jo, Come we'll go take a Glafs to drown Aniraofities. Mr. Sharper 
will you partake ? 

Sharp. I wait on you Sir; nay pray Captain You are Sir ^o/ep^'s 

Back. ( Exeftnto 

SCENE Changes to Lodgings. ^ 

Enter Araminta, Belinda. 

Belin, ah ! nay Dear — prithee good, dear fweet Coufin no more, Oh 
Gad, I fwear you'd make one fick to hear you. 

j4ram, Blefs me ! what have I faid to move you thus. 

Belin, Oh you have raved, talked idly, and all in Commendation of 
that filthy, awkard, two-leg'd Creature, Man— you don t know what 
ypu faid, your Fever has tranfported you. 

^ram. IfLove be the Fever which you mean; kind Heav'n avert the 
cure : Let me have Oil to feed that Flame and never let it be extinft, till 
I my felf am Afbes. ' - 

Belw. There was a Whine — O Gad I hate your horrid Fancy ^ » 

This Love is the Devil, and fure to be in Love is to be poflefs*d 

Tis in the Head, the Heart, the Blood, the All over OGad 

you are quite fpoil'd^ 1 lhall loath the fight of Mankind for your 

fake. 

Aram, Fie, this is grofe Affe£lation A little o{ Bellm9nr\ Company 

would change the Scene. 

Belin, Filthy Fellow ! I wonder Confm 

Aram. I wonder Coufin you fliould imagine, I don't perceive you love 
•him. 

Belin. Oh I love your hideous Fancy ! Ha, ha, ha, love a Man ! 

Aram, Love a Man ! yes, you would not love a Beaft. 

Belin. Of all Beafts not an Afs Which is fo like your Vainlove^—^ 

Lard I have feen an Afs look fo Chagrin, Ha, ha, ha, (you muft pardon 
me I can't help Laughing) that an abfolute Lover would have concluded 
the poor Creature to have had Darts, and Flames, and Altars, and all 
that inhis. Breaft. Araminta^ come I'll talk ferioufly toyou now^ could 
you but fee with my Eyes, the bufFoonry of one Scene of Addrefs, a Lover, 
fet out with all his Equipage and Appurtenances ; O Gad ! fure you 
would — But you play the Game, and confequently can't fee the Mifcar- 
riages obvious to every (lander by. 

Aram, Yes, yes, I can fee fomething near it when you and Bellmohr 
meet. You don't know that you drean^it of BeUmnr laft Night, and.call'd 
him aloud in your fleep. 

Pifll 



Berwd, Pifh, Icatrt help dreaming of che Devil fometimes; would ytu 
from thence infer I love him ? . 

u^ram. BUG that's not ail ^ you -caught me in your Arms when yoit 
named him, and prefs'd me to your Bofom - — Sure if I had not pinch'd 
you till you wak'd you had ftifled me with-Kifles. 

BeM, O barbarous Afperfion ! 

Jlraw. No Afperfion, Coufin, we-are alone^ — ^ Nay, I can tell yo4i more* 
Beiin, I deny it all. ^ 
j^ram. What before you hear it ? 

Belin. My Denyal is premeditated like your Malice— — Lard, Coulln, 
you talk odly™ What ever the Matter is, O ray Sol, I'm afraid you'll 
follow evil Courfes. 
,l,^r^;Wo Ha, ha, ha, this is pleafant 
' 'Belin, You may laugh, but— 

Aram, Ha, ha, ha. 

BtUn, You think the malicious Grinn becomes you— The Devil take 
BellmoHr — —Why do you tell me of him ? 
Aram, Oh is it come out - — now you are angry; I am fare you love him. 
. I tell no body elfeCoufm — I have not betrayed you yet. 

Prithee tell it all the world, it's falfe. Bmy. (Calk, 
Aram, Come then, Kifsand Friends. 
Bdin. Vi^h, 

Aram, Prithee don'c be fo Peevifh. 
Belin, Prithee don't be fo Impertinent 
Aram. Ha, ha,^ha. 

Enter Betty. 
Betty. Did your Ladyfliipcall, Madam ? 

Btlin. Get my Hoods and Tippet, and bid the Footman call a Chair. 

fA'/VBettyi 

Aram, I hope you are not going out in dudgeon, Coulin. 

Enter Footman, 
Foot. Madam, there are— 
^e//??. Is there a Chair ? 

Foot, No Madam, there are Mr. BeUmourznSi Mx* F^^/m to wait upon 
your Lady fhip. 
Aram, Are they below ? 

Foot. No, Madam, they fent before, to know if you were at home, 

Belin, The Vifit's to you, Coufin, 1 fuppofe 1 am at my liberty. 

Aram, Be ready to (hew 'em up. (£w. Footman. 
I can't tell, Coufin, I believe we are equally concern'd : but if you con- 
tinue your Humour, it won't be very entertaining ( I know fhcM 

fain be perfuaded to ftay. (^ Afide. 

Belin, I fliall oblige you, in leaving you to the full and free enjoyment 
of tihat Converfation you admire. 



lEnter 



Erter Betty, with Hoods and Looking-^Ufs. 

'Bclin. Let me lee hold the Glafs — Lard 1 look wretchedly today ! 
u^ram, Betty, why don'c you help my Coufin ? ( Tutting on her Hoods. 

■ Belifj. Hold ofF your Fills, and fee that he gets a Chair with a high 

Roof, or a very low Seat ~ Stay, Come back here you Mrs. Fidget « 

You arefo ready to go to the Footman Here, take era all again, my 

Mind's chang'd, 1 won't go. ( Exit Betty with the Things^ 

Aram. So, this I expeded ' You won'c oblige me then, Coulin, 
and let me have all th^ Company to my felf ? 

Bdin. No-, upon deliberation, I have too much Charity to truft you 
to your felf. The Devil watches all opportunities ^ and in this favour- 
abJe difpofition of your Mind, Heav'n knows how far you may be tempt- 
ed : I am tender of your Reputation. 

Aram, I am oblig'd to you - But who's malicious now, Bdmda ? 

Bdin. Notl; witnefs my Heart, 1 ftay out of pure affedtion. . 

Aram. In my Confcience I believe you, 

Enter Bellmour, Vainlove. 

Bdl. So Fortune be praised ! To find you both within. Ladies, is — « 

Aram. No Miracle, I hope. 

Btll Not o' your fide. Madam, Iconfefs — ' — -But ray Tyrant there 
and I, are two Buckets that can never come together. 

Btlin. Nor are ever like —Yet we often meet and clafli. 

Bell How never like ! marry Hymen forbid. But this it is to run ft 
extravagantly in Debt ; I have laid out fuch a world of Love in your 
Service, That you think you can never be able to pay me all : So fhun me 
for the fame reafon that you would a dun. 

Belin. Ay, on my Confcience, and the moft impertinent and trouble- 
fome of Duns— A Dun for Money will be quiet, when he fees his Debtor 

has not wherewithal But a Dun for Love is an eternal Torment that 

never refts — 

, BelL Till he has created Love where there was none, and then gets it 
for his pains. For importunity in Love, like importunity at Court j firft 
creates its own intereft, and then purfues it for the Favour. 

Aram, Favours that are got by Impudence and Importunity, are like 
Difcoveries from the Rack, when the afflidted perfon, for his eafe, fome- 
times confelFes Secrets his heart knows nothing oC 

Vtdn. I fhould rather think Favours, fo gain d, to be due Rewards to in* 

defatigable Devotion For as Love is a Deity, he muft be ferv'd by 

Prayer. 

Belin. O Gad, would you would all pray to'Love then, and let us alone: 
^ Vain, You are the Temples of Love, and 'tis through you, our Devo- 
tion muft be conveyed. 

Aram. Rather poor filly Idols of your own making, which, upon the 

leaft difpleafure you forfake, and fet up new Every Man, now, changes 

his Miftrefs and his Religion, as his humtfur varies or his intereft. 

D Vm\ 



( 

Faitj. O Madam' ' > 

jiram. Nay come, I find we are growing ferioas, and then we are in 
great danger of being dull — If my Mufick-mafter be not gone, I'll enter- 
tain you with a ndv Song, which comes pretty near my own Opinion of 
Love and your Sex— Who's there ? ( calls. 

Enter Footman, 

Is Mr. C7^wgone. 
Foot. Only to the next door. Madam ^ Til call him. {Exit, 
Bell, Why, you won't here me with Patience^ 
Aram. What's the matter, Coufin. 
Bell. Nothing, Madam, only— • 

Belin. Prithee bold thy Tongue -~ — -Lard, he has fo pefter'd me with 

Flames and Stuff — I think I ihan't endure the light of a Fire this 

fTwelvemonth. 

Bell. Yet all can't melt that cruel frozen Heart. 

Belin. O Gad I hate your hideous Fancy— You faid that once before— 
If you muft talk impertinently, for Heav'ns fake let it be with variety ^ 

don't come always, like the Devil, wrapt in Flames Til not hear a 

Sentence more, that begins with an, / hnrn Or an, I befeech yoa^ 

Madam. 

Bell. But tell me how you would be AdorM > 1 am very tradable, 

Belin. Then know, I would be Ador'd in filence. 

Bell. Humph, I thought foj that you might have all the talk to your 

felf you had better let m^ fpeakj for if my thoughts fly to any pitchy 

i lhall make villainous figns. 

Belin. What will you get by that ? to make fuch figns as I won^t un- 
derftand. 

Bell. Ay, but if i'm Tongue-ty'd, I muft have all my Adions free to— 
Qpicken your Apprehenfion-and I- gad let me tell you, my moft prevailing 
Argument is exprefs'd in dumb (hew. 

Enter Mu^pch-mafter. 

'Aram. O I am glad we ihall have a Song to divert the Difcourfe— Pray 
'sblige us with the lall new Song. 

S O N G 

I. 

Thnstoa ripej con fenting Maid ^ 
Toor^ old) repenting DqUz faid. 
Would yoM. long freferve yonr Lover ? 

Would you ftill his Goddefs reign ? 
Never let him all difcover. 
Never let him much obtain, \^ 

11. Mm 



C ^7 J) 
II. 

Men will admire f adore and die ^ 
While wishing at yonr Feei they lie : 
But admitting their Embraces^ 

Wah^s hm from the Golden Dreanf y 
Nothing* s new hefides onr Faces^ 

Every Woman is the fame. 

Arm. So, how de'e like the Song, Gentlemen. 

Bell, O very well perform'd but I don't much admire tfhe words. 

Aram. I expected it— -there's too mach Truth in 'era: If Mr, Ganjot^W 
walk with us in the Garden, we'll have it once again- You may like it 
better at fecond hearing. You'll bring my Coufin. 

Bell. Faith Madam, I dare not fpeak to her, but I'll make Signs, 

( Addrejfes Belinda in dumb fhew. 

Belin. O foh, your dumb Rhetorick is more ridiculous, than your talking 
Impertinence as an Ape is a much more troubiefome Animal than a parrot^ 

Aram: Ay, Coufin, and 'tis a fign the Creatures mimick Nature well j 
for there are few men, but do more filly things than they fay. 

Bell. Well,. I find my Apiflmefs has paid the Ranfome for ray Speech, 
andfetit at Liberty — Tho, I confefs, I could be well enough pleas'd 

to drive on a Love- bargain, in that filent manner 'twould live a Man 

a World of Lying and Swearing at the Years end. Befides I ha?e liad a 
little Experience, that brings to my mind 

When Wit and Reafon^ both^ have failed to^move Q 
Kind Looks and Anions ( from Succefs ) do prove ^ ^ 
Ev'*n Silence may be Eloquent in Loveu 3 Exemt Ome^. 

I. i 



ACT IIL SCENE L The Street, 

Silvia^WLucy. 

Silvia. \J[T I^L L h' not come then ? 

VV Lucy. Yes, yes, come, I warrant him, if you will go in 
and be ready to receive him. 

Sih. Why did you not tell me ? — -Whom mean you? 

Lucy, Whom you fliould mean, Heartwell. ^ 1 

Silv Scnfekfs Creature, I meant my T^^/Wo'i'f. 

Lucy, You may asfoon hope, to recover your own Maidenhead, as his' 
Love. Thereforee'enfet your heart at reft, and in the name-of oppor- 
tunity mind your own bufinefs. Strike Heartxvdl home, before the 
Bait's worn off the Hook, Age will come. He nibbled fairly yefterday, 
* ^ D 2 an4 



C 18 ; 

and no doubfe will be eager enough to day, to fwallow the Temptatioaf 

Sih. Weil, fiDce there's no remedy — Yet tell me - — For I would 
know, though to the anguilh of my Soul; how did he refufe? Tell me- 
how did he receive my Letter, in anger or in fcorn ? 

Lucy, Neither J but what was ten times worfe, with damn'd, fenfelefs 

indifference. By this Light I could havefpit in his Face Receive it ! 

why he receiv'd it, as! would one of your Lovers that fhould comeemptyl 
handed; as a Court Lord does his Mercers Bill, or a begging Dedicati- 
on : h' received it, as if 'chad been a Letter from his Wife. 

Sih. . What, did he not read it ? 
^ Lticy. Hum'dit over, gave you his Refpedts, and faid, he would take 

time to perufe it* but then he was in hafte.; 

Refpeds, andperufeit! He's gone, znd Jramm a has bewiteh'd 
him fromme-Oh how thename of Rival fires my blood — I could curfe 
'em both ^ eternal Jealoufie attend her Love , and difappointment meet 
hisLuft. Oh that I could revenge the torment he has caused- Methinks I feel 
the Woman ftrong within me, and Vengeance itches in the room of J[i,ave. 

Lucy., I have that in my head may make raifchief. 

Silv. How, dear Lucy. - 

Lucy. You know j^ramma's diSkmbkd coynefs has won, and keeps him 
hers-- — ^■ 

Sih. Could we perfwade him, that flie loves another-— 
Lucy. No, you're out ^ could we perfwade him, that fhe doats on him, 
himfelf-— Contrive a kind Letter as from her, 'twould difgufthis nice- 
ty, andtake away his ftomacb. 
Sih. Impoffible, 'twill never take. 

Lucy. Trouble not your headi Ld: me alone — I will inform my felf 

of what paft between ^em to day, and about it ftreight Hold, I'm 

miftaken, or th2it*s Heartrvel^ who ftands talking at the Corner- ^'tis 

he go get you in Madam, receive him pleafantly, drefs up your Face in 

innocence and Smiles ; and diflTemble the very want of diflimulation— * 
You know what will take him. 

Sih. 'Tisas hard to counterfeit Love, as it is to conceal it: but 
do my weak endeavour, though I fear I have not Art. 

Lucy. Hang Art, Madam, and trull to Nature for diflembling. 
Man J was by Natur e Wotnans Cully tnads ^^^ 
Wey never are but bymr fdves betray* ExtunK 

E^^f?' Heart wel, Vainlove and Bellmour foUomni^ 
Bell. Hifl:, hift, is not that Heartwel going to Silvia ? 
Vain. He's talking to himfelf, I think j prithee lets try if we can hear 
him. 

H^art, Why whither in the Devil's name am I a going now ? Hum- 
Let me think Is not this Sihiah Houfe, the cave of that Enchantrefsj 

and which confequently I ought to fi)un as I would infeftion ? Ta enter 

HEre 



-rip) 

here, is to put on the envenomM Shirt, to run into the embraces of a 
Fever, and in fome raving fit, be led to plunge my felf into that more 
Confuming Fire, a Woman's Arms. Ha ! well recolleded, I will recover 
my reafon, and be gone. 

Bell, Now Venm forbid ! Vain. Hufl: ■ 

Heart, Well, why do you not move? Feet do your Office — Not one 
Inch ; no, Foregod I'm caught There ftands my North,, and thi- 
ther my Needle points Now could I curfe my felf, yet cannot re- 
pent. O thou delicious, damnM, dear, deftrudlive Woman ! S'death 
how the young Fellows will hoot me ! I (hall be the Jeft of the To wn : 
nay in two days, I expedt to be Chronicled in Ditty, and fung in woe- 
ful Ballad, to the Tuneof the Superannuated Maidens Comfort, or the 
Batchelors Fall ; and upon the third, I fliall be hang'd in Effigie, pafted 
up for the exemplary Ornament of neceflary Houfes and Coblers Stalls- 
Death, I can t think on'c Til run into the danger to lofe the appre- 

henfion. (^Goesin 
Bell, A very certain remedy, probatum efi-^ — -Ha, ha, ha, poor George^ 
thou art i'th right, thou haft fold thy felf to Laughter-, the ill-natur'd 
Town will find the Jeft juft where thou haft loft it. Ha, ha, how a* 
ftfugled, like an old Lawyer between two Fees. 
Vain. Or a young Whcnch, between pleafure and reputation, 
BdL Or as you did to day, when half afraid youfnatch'da kifs from 
Aramma, 
Vain.' She has made a quarrel on't. ' 

Btll. Pauh, Women are only angry at fuch offences, to have the plea- 
fure of forgiving 'em. 

Vain, And Move to have the pleafure of making my peace— I (hould 
• not efteem a Pardon if too eafie won. 

Bell Thou doft not know what thou wouldeft be at \ whether thou wouldfi: 
have her angry or pleasM. Couldft thou be content to marry Afaminta^, . 

Vain. Could you be content to go to Heaven ? 

Bell. Hum, not immediately, in my confcience not heartily ? Td do 
a little more good in my generation firft, in order to deferve it. - 

V m. Nor 1 to marry Arannnta till I merit her. 

Bell. But how the Devil doft thou expert to get her if flie never yield ? 

Vain. That's true; but I would 

Marry her without her confent ^ thou'rt a Riddle beyond Woman-- 
* Enter Setter. 

Trufty Setter what tidings ? how goes the projefl: ? 

Setter. As all lewd projefts do, Sir^ where the Devil prevents our endea- 
vours with fuccefs. ^e//. A good hearing, 5^rw. 

V m. Well, ril leave you with your Engineer. Exiu 

Bell. And haft thou provided necefTaries ? 

Setter. All, all Sir ^ the large fanrtified Hat, and the little precife Band, 

with a fwinging long fpiritual Cloak, to <;over Carr\al Knavery not 

forgets 



C 39 J 

forgetting the black Patch, which Tribulation wears as Pm in- 

formed, upon one Eye, as a penal Mourning for the ogling Offences of bis 
Youth 9 and fome fay, with than Eye, he iirft difcovet'd the frailty x)f 
his Wife. 

BelL Well, in this Fanatiek Fathers habit, will I confefs Lmtia. 

Setter. Rather prepare her for Confeflion, Sir, by helping her to Sin.' 

£elL at your Mailers Lodging in the Evening— 1 lhall ufe the Robes; 

, Exit. Bek 

Setter. I lhall Sir-» — I wonder to which of thefe two Gentlemen I do 
raoft properly appertain— the one ufes me as his Attendant ^ the other (be- 
ing the better acquainted with ray parts ) employs me as a Pimp why 
that's much the more honourable employment— by all means— I follow 
one as my Mafter, but t'other follows me as his Condudor. 

Enter Lucy. 

Lticy, There's the Hang-dog his Man 1 had a power over him in 

the Rtign of my Miftrefs ^ but he is too true a Falet de chambre not to 
afFed his Matters faults and eonfequently is revolted from his Allegiance. 

Setter. Undoubtedly 'tis impoffible to be a Pimp and not a Man of parts. 

That is without being politick, diligent, fecret, wary and fo forth 

And to all this valiant as Hercules — — ^^That is, paffively valiant and 
actively obedient. hh\ Setter what a treafure is here loft for want of 
being known. • 

Lucy. Here's fome Villany a Foot he's fo thoughtful ^ maybe ! may difco- 
ver fomething in my Mask — Worthy Sir^a word with you. Puts on her Mask, 

Setter. Why if I were known, I might come to be a great Man — — 

Lucy. Not to interrupt your meditation 

Setter. And I fliould not be the firft that has procured his greatnefi by 
Pimping. 

Lucy. Now Poverty and the Pox light upon thee, for a Contempla- 
tive Pimp. 

Setter. Ha! what art, who thus malicioufly haft awal^ned me, from 
niy Dream of Glory ? fpeak thou vile Difturber 

Lucy. Of thy moft vile Cogitations thou poor, conceited wretch, 

how wert thou valuing thy felf, upon thy Matters employment. For 
he's the head Pimp to Mr. Bellmour, 

Setter. Good words, Damfel, orlfliall— — ^ But how doft thou 
know ray Mafter or me ? , • ' 

Lucy, Ye^ I know both Mafter and Man to be- " * 

Setter. To be Men perhaps ; nay faith like enough ; I often march in the 
rear of my Mafter, and enter the breaches which he has made. 

Lucy. Ay, the breach ofFaiii, which he has begun: Thou Traytor to 
thy lawful Princefs. 

Setter. Why how now! prithee who ait?. lay by that worldly Face 
and produce your natural Vizor. 

Lncy. No Sirrah, I'll keep it on to ab ufe thee and leave thee without 
'hopes of r€\^nge. Setter. 



( 2. ) ^ 

Setter, Oh ! I begin to faioak ye, thou art fome forfaken Ahlgaii^ we 
have dallied with heretofore — And art come to tickk thy imagination 
with remembrance of iniquity paft. ^ 

Lucy, No thou pitiful Flatterer of thy Mafters imperfe™>ns-, thou 
Maukin made up of the Shreds and Pairings of his fuperfluouy Fopperies. 

Setter, Thou art thy Miftrifles foul felf, compofed of her fullied ini- 
quities and Cloathing. 

Lucy, Hang thee - Beggars Curr — Thy Matter is but a Mumper in 
Love, lies canting at the Gate \ but never dares prefume to enter the Houfe. 

Setter. Thou art the Wicket to thy MiftrelTes Gate, to be opened for 
all comers. In fine thou art the high Road to thy Miftrifs, as a Clap is 
£<;>thePox. 

Lucy. Beaftjfilthy Toad^ I can hold no longer, look and tremble. Vnmasks. 
Setter. How, Mrs, Lucyt 

Lucy, I wonder thou haft the impudence to look me in the Faje. 

Setter, Adsbud who's in fault, Miflrefs of mine ? who flung the fir^ 
Stone? who undervalued my Funftion? and who the Devil could know 
you h% inftind ? 

Lucy, You could know my Office by inftinft, and be hang'd, which yon- 
have flander'd moft abominably. It vexes me not what you faid of my 
Perfon j but that my innocent Calling ftiould be expos d and fcandalizM— 
I cannot bear it * Cries^ 

^ Setter, Nay faith Lncy I'm forry, PJl own my felf to blame, though 
we were both in fault as to our Offices — — Come I'll make you any 
reparation. Lucy. Swear. 

Setter, I do fwear to the utmoft of my power. 

Lucy, To be brief then^ what is the reafon your mafber did not appear 
to day according to the Summons I brought him ? 

Set, To anfwer yoii as briefly- He has a Caufe to be tried in another Court. 

Lucy, Come tell me in plain Terms, how forward he is with Araminta. 

Setter, Too forward to be turn'd back— Though he's a little in difgrace 
at pre fent about a Kifs which he forced. You and 1 can KifsXwy, with- 
out all that, Lucy, Standoff He's a precious Jewel, 

Setter, And therefore you'd have him to fet in your Ladies Locket. 

Lucy, Where is he now ? Setter, He'll be in XhiTiazx^a prefenUy, 

Lucy^ Remember to days behaviour— Let me fee you with a penitent Face. 

Setter, What no Token of amity Lucy ? you and I don't ufe to part 
with dry Lips. 

Lucy, No, no, avaunt — lH not be flabbcr'd and kife'd now — Pm not 
i'th' humour. (^Exit, 
Setter. I'll not quit you fo- — I'll Follow and put you into the humour. 

Exit after her. 

Enter Sir Jofeph Wittoll, l^uflJe. 

Blnf, And fo out of your unwonted Generofity 

Sir Jo. And good Nature, Back ^ I am good Natur'd and I can't help it^ 



C 32 ) 

¥ou have given hina a note upon FonMewlfe for a hundred. Po«i!du 

Sfr J^. Ay, ay, poor Feliovi?, he ventur'd fair for'c. 

Bluff, Yc^have difobligM me in it— for 1 have occafion for the Money, 
and if you woold look me in the Face again and live, go, and force him t® 
redeliver ydifthe Note-- go—and bring it me hither. Fii itay here for you. 
' Sir Jo. You may flay till the day of judgment then, by the Lord Harry, 
I know better things than to be run through the Guts for a hundred 
Pound— why i gave that hundred Pound for being fa ved, and d'ee think, 
antfeere were no danger^ Til be fo ungrateful to take it from the Gentle-^ 
man again? 

Bluff. Well, go to him from me — —Tell him^ I fay^ he mull refund— 

or Bilbo's the word, and Slaughter will cnfue Ifherefufe, tell him— ■ 

but wifper that — -tell him —Til pink his Soul but whifper that 

foftly tohini. 

Siryo. §0 foftly, that he fhall never hear on't I warrant you why, 

tvhat a Devil's the matter. Bully, are you mad? or de'e thing I'm mad? 
Agadfor ray part, I don't love to be the Meffenger of ill News j Ms an 
ungrateful OfBce — So tell him your felf. 

Bluff. By thefe Hills I believe he frjghtned you into this compofftion 5 
I believe you gave it him out of fear, pure paultry fear— confefs. 

Sir^o. No, no, hang'tl was not afraidneither— tho'I confeG he did 
in a manner fnap me up —yet I can'c fay that it was altogether out of fear, 
but partly to prevent mifchief — for he was a devilifh cholerick Fellow: 
And if my Choler had been up too, agad there would have been mifchief 
done, that's flat- And yet 1 believe if you had been by, I would as foon 
have let him a' had a hundred of my Teeth, Ad/heart if he ihould come 

juft now when I'm angry, I'd tell him Mum^ 

Enter Sharper, Bellmour, 

Bell. Thou'rt a luckly Rogue 5 there's your Benefaftor, you ought to re- 
turn him Thanks now you have receiv'd the Favour, 

Sharp. Siv jofeph Your Note was accepted, and the Money paid at 

fight : Tm come to return ray Thanks — 

5ir Jo. They won't be accepted fo readily as the Bill, Sir, 

-5^//.. I doubt the Knight repents, To^ — He looks like the Knight of 
the forrowful Face. 

Sharp. This is a double Generofity— Do me a Kindnefsand refuferay 
Thanks —But I hope you are not offended that I offer'd 'em. 

Sir Jo. May be I am. Sir, may be I am not. Sir, may be I am both^ Sir i 
' what then ? I hope I may be offended, without any offence to you, Sir. 

Sharp. Hey day ! Captain, what's the matter ? You can tell. 

Bluff. Mr. Sh^rper^ the matter is plain—Sir Jofeph has found out your 
Jrick, and does not care to be put upon 5 being a Man of .Honour, 

Sharp. Trick, Sir? 

Sir, Jo, Ay Trick, Sir, aiid won't be put upon, Sir, being a Man of Ho- 
nour, Sir, and fo, Sir—-* 

Sharp. Hearkce, 



C n ) 

sharp, Harkec, Sitjofephj a word with ye ~^ In confideration of fome 
favcwirs lately received ^ I would not have you draw your fdfinto aPre- 

munire, by trailing to that fign of a Man there That Pot-gun charged 

with Wind. 

Sir Jo. OLord,0 Lord, Captain, come juftifie your fdf—-* Til give 
him the Lye if you'll ftand to it. 

Sharp, Nay then I'll be beforehand with you, take that— Oafe. (Cfifs him. 

Sir Jo, Captain, will ypu fee this ? Won't you pink his Soul ? 

J?//#jf, Hufht, 'tis not fo^ convenient now- 1 (hall find a time. 

Sharp. What do you mutter about a time, Rafcal — Yow were the In- 
cendiary- — There's to put you in mind of your time A Memo- 
randum. (Kicks hm. 

Bltif. Oh this is your time. Sir, you liad bell make ufe on't. 

Sharp. I Gad and fo I will : There's again for you. (^Kkks him. . 

Bliijf. You are obliging, Sir, but this is too publick a Place to thank you 
in : But in your Ear, you are to be feen again. 

Sharp. Ay thou inimitable Coward, and to be felt — — As for Example. 

( Kicks him. 

BelL Ha, ha, ha, prithee come away, 'tis fcandalous to kick this Puppy 
without a Man were cold, and had no other way to get himfelf a heat. 

{Exit Bell. Sharp* 

Btfif. Very well—- — Very fine- — But 'tis no matter — — Is not this 
fine. Sir Jofeph? 

Sir Jo. Indifferent, agad in my opinion very indifferent - — I'd rather 
go plain all my Life, than wear fuch Finery. 
Blhf, Death and Hell to he affronted thus! I'll die before 111 fuffer it.(^r4n?x. 

Sir Jo. O Lord, his Anger was not raifed before Nay, dear Captain, 

don't be in PafFion now he's gone — Put up, put up, dearBacJ^, 'tis your 
Sir begs, cortie let me kifs thee; fo, fo, put up, put up, 

Bliif. By Heav n 'tis not to be put up. 
^ Sir^o. What, Bully? Bkf The Affront. 

Sir Jo. No agad no more 'tis, for that's put up already , thy Sword I mean. 

Blfif. Well, Sir at your entreaty ^ — -But were not you my 

Friend; abus'd, andcufft, and kickt. {Puttirjg up his Sword. 

Sir 30. Ay, ay, fo were you too •, no matter, 'tis palt. 

Bluff. By the immortal Thunder of greatGuns,'tisfalfe — He fucks not 
vita) Air who dares affirm it to this Face. Looks big. 

Sir 30. To that Face I grant you Captain — No, no, I grant you— Not 
to that Face by the Lord ii/drry — -If you had put on your fighting Face 
before, youhad done hisbufinefs— Hedurft as foon have kill you, as kickt 

you to your Face- But a man can no more help what's done behind 

his back, than what's faid Come we'll think no more of what's paft. 

Bli^. Til call a Council of War within to confider of my Revenge to 
come, ■ - {BxeHntt, 



E 



SCENE 



C hJ 



S GENE ehaiiifs to SilviaV Lodgings. Enter Heart wel, Silvia. 

SONG. 
I. 

Amoret Thyrfis lay 
Mslting the Hours in gentle Play ^ , 
Joining Faces^ mingling Ksffes, 
jind exchanging harmlefs Blijfes: ' 
He tremblings crfdy with eager hafte^ 

let me feed as well as taftcy 
Idie^ if Pmnot wholly blefl,^ 

II. 

The fearful Nymfh rfp/y'<i--Forbear ; 

1 cannot, dare not, muft not hear : 
Deareft Thyrfis^ do not move me. 
Do not- do not—if you Love rae. 
O let me^ — ftill the Shepherd faid ^ 
Bftt while Jhg fond Rejijtance madcj 
The hafty joyy in flrngting pd. 

III. 

Vex^d at the Plea fur e ^e had mijl^ 
She frowned and bltffht^ then JtgPd and k^Jl^ 
And feenPd to moan in fulkn Cooing^ 
The fad mifcarriage of their Wooing % 
IBut vain alas t were all her Charms'^ 
IFor Thyrlis deaf to Loves alarms^ C 
Baf^ed and fenfelefs^ tir'*d her Arns. j 

After the Song^ a D4nce of Antieh* 

SHv. Indeed it is very fine I could look upon 'em all day: 
Heart. Well has this prevail'dfor me, and will you look upon me ? 
Silv. If you could Sing and Dance fo, I fliould love to look upon you too. 
Heart. Why 'twas I Sung and dancM I gave Mufick to the Voice, and 
Life to their Meafures— Look you here Silvia^ here are? ont a Purfe 

Songs and Dances, Poetry and Mufick- hark! ho wX and chinking it. 

fleetly one Guinea rhymes to another—And how they dance to the Mufick 
of their own Chinks This buys all the t'other— And this thou (halt have y 
this, and all that 1 am worth for the purchafe of thy Love— Say, is it mine 
then, ha? Speak Syren — Oons why do Hook on her ! Yet I muft— Speak 
dear Angela Devil, Saint, Witch i do not rack me in fufpence. 

" " - 5iM Nay^ 





r 25 -) 

Sih, Nay don't ftare at me fo — You make me blufh— I cannot look. 

Heart, Oh Manhood, where art thou! What am I come to? A Wo- 
man's Toy; at thefe years ! Death, a bearded Baby for a Girl to dandle. 
O dotage, dotage ! Thac ever that noble paflion, Lnfij fliould ebb to this 
degree — No reflux of vigorous Blood: But milky Love, fupplies the 
empty Channels ; and prompts me to the foftnefs of a Child — . A meer 
Infant and would fuck. Can you love me Silvia ? fpeak. 

Silv. I dare not fpeak till l believe you, and indeed Tm afraid to believe 
T^ou yet. 

Heart. Pox, how her Innocence torments and pleafes me! Lying, Child 
is indeed the Art of Love \ and Men are generally Matters in it : But I'm 
fo newly entred, you cannot diftrufl; me of any skill in the treacherous 
Myftery— Now by my Soul I cannot lye, though it were to ferve a Friend 
or gain a Miftrefs. 

Sih. Muft you lye then, if you fay you Love me ? 

Heart. No, no, dear Ignorance, thou beauteous Changeling 1 tell 

thee I do love thee, and tell it for a Truth, a naked Truth, which I'm 
alhamed to difcover. 

Sih. But Love, they fay, is a tender thing, that will fraooth Frowns, 
and make calm an angry Face; will foften a rugged Temper, and make 
ill-humoured People good : You look ready to fright one, and talk as if 
your Paflion were not Love, but Anger. 

Heart. Tis both for I am angry with my felf when I am pleafed with 
you — And a Pox upon me for loving thee fo well — Yet I muft on— 'Tis a 
bearded Arrow, and will more eafily be thruft forward than drawn back. 

Sih. Indeed if I were well aflur'd you lov'd; but how can I be well afliir'd ? 

Heart. Take the Symptoms — — And ask all the Tyrants of thy Sex, if 
their Fools are not known by this Party-coloured Livery — I am Melan- 
choly, when thou artabfent ; look like an Afs, when thou art prefent ; 
wake for you, when I fhould fleep ^ and even dream of you, when I am 
, awake ; figh much, drink little, eat lefs, court folitude, am grown very 
entertaining to my felf, and (as I am informed) very troublefome to every 
body elfe. If this be not Love, it is Madnefs, and then it is pardonable- 
Nay yet a more certain fign than all thl^ I give thee my Money. 

Sih. Ay, but that is no fign, for they fay. Gentlemen will give Money 
to any naughty Woman to come to Bed tq them — O Gemini^ I hope you 
don't mean fo*- for I won't be a Whore, 

Heart. The more is the pity. (^Afide. 

Sih. Nay, if you would marry me, you fliouId not come to bed to me — 
You have fnch a Beard, and would fo prickle one. But do you intend to 
marry me? 

Heart. That a Fool fliould ask fuch a malicious Queftion ! Death, Ifhall 
be drawn in, before I know where I am — However, 1 find lam pretty 
fure of her confent, if i am put to it. {JJidt^ 
Marry you? noj no, TU love you. 

. B 2 Sih, Nay> 



C 26 ; 

Sih. Nay, but if you love me, you muft marry me ^ what don'c I know 
ftiy Father lovM niy Mother, and was married to her? 

Heart, Ay, sy, in old days People married where they lov'd ^ but that 
fafhion is changed, Child. 

Sih, Never tell me that, I know it is not chang'd by my felfv fori 
love you, and would marry you. 

Neart, Pil have py Beard fhav'd, it (han't hurt thee, and we'll go to Bed - 

Sih. No, no.l'm not fuch a Fool neither but 1 can keep my felf- honeft— 
Here, I won't keep any thing that*s your, 1 hate you now, {Throws the Purfe, 
Bnd I'll never fee you again, 'eaufe you'd have me naught. (^Gowg. 

Heart, Damn her let her go, and a good piddahce— Yet fa much Ten- 

dernefs and Beauty — -and Honefty together is a Jewel— Stay Stlvia- . 

But then to marry ^ Why every Man plays the- Fool once in his Life : 

But to marry is playing the Fool all ones Life long. 

Silv, What did you call me for ? 

Heart, I'll give thee all I have : And thou ftialt live with me in every 
thing fo like my Wife, the World fhall believe it: Nay, thou (halt think 
fo thy felf Only let me not think fo. 

Silv, No, I'll die before I'll be your Whore- as well as I love you. 

Heart, Jfide'} A Woman, and Ignorant, may be honell, when *tis out 

of Obftinacy and Contradi([lion ButS'deathit is but a maybe, and 

upon fcurvy Terms- — Well, farewel then^ — — if lean get out of 

light I may get the better of my feif. 

SMv. Well" good buy. (Turns and Weeps, 

Heart, Ha! Nay com.e, we'll kifs at parting (kijfesherj by Heaven her 

Kifs is fweeter than Liberty ' 1 will marry thee — -There thou haft don'c. 

all my Refolve melted in that Kifs — --one more Silv. But when ? 

Heart, Vm impatient till it be done; I will not give ray felf liberty to 
think, left i lhouldcool— I will about a Licence ftraight— in the Evening 
exped me— One kifs more to confirm me mad ; (o. (Exit 

Silv. Ha, ha, ha, an old Fox trapt— ~ 

Enter Lucy. 

Blefsme! you frighted me, I thought he had been come again, and had 
heard me. 

Lmy. Lord, Madam, I met your- Lover in as much hafte, asif he had 
been going for a Midwife. 

5//^;. He*s going for a Parfon, Girl, the fore-runner of a Midwife, fome 
nine months hence- — - Well, 1 find diflembling to our Sex is as natural as 
fwiraming to a Negro i we may depend upon our skill to fave us at a 
plunge, tho' till then vve never make the experiment — But how haft thou 
iucceeded? 

Lficy, As you would widi ■ Since there is no reclaiming P^ainlove, 

I have found out a pique ihe has taken at him ^ and have fram'd a Let* 
ter, that makes her fue for Reconciliation firft. I know that will do — • 
walk in and I'll (hew it you. Come Madana, you're like to have a happy 

time 



time on'c, both yotir Love and Anger fatisfied ! — All that can cbarm our 
Sex confpire to pleafe you. 

f Th>^t Womnn fure enjoys a blejfed Nighty 

Whom Love And Vengeance do at once delight. Exeunt^ 



ACT IV. SCENE L The Street. 

Enter Bellmour m Famtick Hdit^ Setter. 

BtlL I S pretty near the Hour. {Looking on his Watch) Well and how 
JL Setter ha?, does my Hypocrify fit me has ? Does it fit eafy on me ? 
Sett. O moft religioufly weli^ Sir. 

Bell, 1 wonder w^y ali our young Fellows (hould glory in an opinion of 
Atheifm^ when they may be fo much more conveniently lewd under the 
Coverlet of Religioh. 

Sett. S'budSir, away quickly, there's F(?»<a?&rpjf/V juft turn'd the Corner, 
and's coming tiiis way. 

M, Gads fo, there he is, he muft not fee me. (Bxem. 
jE;;fer FondJewife W Barnaby. 

Fond, I fay, I will tarry at home. Bar, But, Sir. 

Fond. Good lack! Iprofefsthc Spirit of contradidlion hath poffeft the 
Lad 1 fay I will tarry at home Fa/let, 

Bar. 1 have done Sir, then farewel $oo pound. 

Fond. Ha, how's that? Stay, ftay, did you leave word fay you with his 
Wife? With Comfort her ftlf 

Idid^ and Cow/o?'^ will fend rWto«o« hither as foon as ever he 
c^)mes home — - 1 could have brought young Mr. Prig, to have kept my 
Miftrcfs Company in the mean time: but you fay 

Fond, How, how, hyFarlet! I fay let him not come near my Doors.' 
I fay, he is a wanton young Levite and pampereth himfelf up with Dain- 

ties,> that he may look lovely in the Eyes of Women Sincerely lam 

afraid he hath already defiled the Tabernacle of our Sifter Cow/orf while 

her good Husband is deluded by his Godly appearance T fay, that 

even Lull doth fparkle in his Eyes, and glow upon his Cheeks, and that. 
1 would as foon truft my Wife with a Lord s high-fed Chaplain. 

Bar, Sir, the Hour draws nigh — —And nothing will be done there til! 
you come. 

Fond. And nothing can be done here till I go— So that Vll tarry, d^ee fee. 
Bar, And run the ha!z:ard t© lofe your affair fo ! 

Fond. Good lack, good lack 1 profefs It is a very fofiicient vexation,; - 

for a Man to have a handfome Wife. 

Bar, Never, Sir, but when the Man is an infuffici^nt Husband.. 'Tiis 
then indeed, like the vanity of taking a fine Houfe, ^md y^t be for<;edto 
let Loggings, to help p^y the Rent, 

Fond, I profefs 



C 28 ) 

tFond, I profefsa very apt Comparifon, ^^rto. Go in and bid mf 
Cocky come out to rae, I will give her fome inftrudionsv I will reafon 
with her before I go. {Exit Barnaby) And in the meantime, 1 will 
reafon with my felf— — ^TeD me i/^<«r, why art thee Jealous? Why art 
thee diftruftful of the Wife of thy Bofora? — Bccaufe flie is young and 

vigorous, and I am old and impotent Then why didft thee marry 

Jfaac? Becaufe lhe was beautiful and tempting, and becaufe I was 

obftinate and doating; fo that my inclination was (and isftillj greater 
than my power ^«—^ — And will not that which tempted thee, alfo tempt 

others, who will tempt her Ifaac ^ » 7 I fear it much — But does 

"not thy Wife love thee, naydoat upon thee? ^Yes -Why then!—- 

Ay, but to fay truth, ihe's fonder of me, than (he has reafon to be ^ and 
in the way of Trad^ we ftill fufpeft the fmootheft Dealers of the deepeft 
defigns— — And that Ihe has fome defigns deeper than thou canft reach, 

th' haft experimented Ifaac But Mum. 

Efiter Lsetitia. 

Ldt. I hope my deareft Jewel is not going to leave me- Are you ivyj^w f 
Fond. Wife* — — - Have you throughly confider'd how deteftable, how 
heinous, and how Crying a Sin, the Sin of Adultery is ? have you weigh'd 
it I fay ? For it is a very weighty Sin ^ and although it may lie heavy up- 
on thee, yet thy Husband mull alfo bear his part : For thy iniquity will fail 
upon his Head. 
Lat. Blefs me, what means my Dear ! 

Fond, \Afide) I profefs Ihe has an alluring Eye I am doubtful, whether 
I (hall truft her, even with Trihulation bimfelf — Speak, I fay, have you 
confidered, what it is to Cuckold your Husband ? 

Lat. Aftde) I'm amazed : fure he has difcovered nothing — Who has 
wrong'd me to my Deareft ? I Ijcpe my Jewel does not think, that ever I 
had any fuch thing in my Hesd, cr ever will have. 

Fond. No, no, I tell you i fiiall havelt in my Head You will have 

it fome where elfe. 

Lat. j4fide) I know not what to think. But Vm refolv'd to find the 

meaning of it— Unkind Dear! Was it for this you fent to call me ? is 

it not affiiftion enough that you are to leave me, but you muft ftudy to 
• encreafe it by unjuft fufpicions ? (Crying} Well — Well — You know my 
Fondnefs, and you love to Tyrannize- Go on cruel Man, do. Tri- 
umph over my poor Heart, while it holds; which cannot belong, with 

thisufage of yours— But that's what you want Well^ YouwiU 

have your endsfoon — You will — You will— —Yes it will break to 
oblige you. ' Sighs. 

Fond. Verily I fear I have carried the Jeft too far—Nay, look yon now 

if flie does not weep —'tis the fondeft Fool — ^Nay, Cocky, Cocky, 

nay, dear Cocky, don't cry, I was but in Jeft, I was not ifeck. 

LaK jiftde) Oh then all's fafe. I was terribly frighted — My affliftion 
is always yotir Jeft, barbarous Man ! Oh that llhould love to this degree ! 
ycl ; Fond. Nay, Cocky. Lat. No, 



L4t, No, noj you are weary of nae, that's k that^s all, you would 

get another Wife another fond Fool, to break lier heart well, 

be as cruel as you can to me, I'll pray for you ; and when I am dead with 
grief, may you have one that will love you as well as I have done: I 

fliall be contented to lie at peace in my cold Grave . fince it will pleafe 

you. ( Sighs, 

Fond. /Good lack, good lack, ihe would melt a heart of Oak — I profefs 

I can hold no longer — 'Nay dear Cocky- Ifeck you'Jl break my heart 

Ifeck you will See you have made me weep Made poor Nykin 

weep— Nay come Kifs, bufs poor Nykin and I won't leave thee 

inilofeallfirft. 

Lat. Jffide) How ! Heav'n forbid! that will be carrying the Jefl: too far 
indeed. 

Fond. Won't you kifs Nykin f Ldt. Go naughty Nykin^ you don't love me^ 

Fond. Kifs, kifs, ifeck I do. L^t. No you don't. (^She kiffes him. 

Foff^i What not love Cocky! Lat. No— b. {Sighs. 

Fond. I profefs, 1 do love thee better than 500 Pound--— —And fo thou 
lhalt fay, for I'll leave it to ftay with thee. 

Lat. No you (han't negledJi your bufinefs for me — No indeed you fant 
Nykin If you don't go, I'll think you been dealous of me ftill. 

Fond. He, he, he, wilt thou poor Fool? Then I will go, I won't be 

dealous Poor CoAy, kifsiVyfe^V?, kifsAW^? ee, ee, ec- Here will 

be the good Man anon, to talk to Cocky and teach her how a Wife ought 
to behave her felf. 

Lust. (AJfde.) I hope to have one that will (hew me how a Husband 
ought to behave himfelf— -I fliall be glad to learn, to pleafe my JeweL (Kifs, 

Fond. That's my good Dear— Come kifs Nyk,in once more, and then get 
you in So — Get you in, get you in. By, by. 

Lxt. By Nykin. Fond. By Cocky. Lat. By Nykp?, - (Shegoesin, 

Fond. By Cocky^ by, by, \Exit> 
Enter Vainlove, Sharper. 

Sharp. How ! Araminta loft ! 

Vain. To confirm what 1 have faid, read this (fiives a Letter, 

Sharp. Reads ) Fiim^ hum — '^•^And what then appear'^d a faulty upon refieBi^ 
feems only an effeSt of a too powerful paffion. Pm afraid I give too great a 

Froof of my own at this time / am in diforder for what I have written. But 

fomethkig^ I know not what^ forced me. 1 only beg a favourable Cenfure of this 
and your Araminta. 
Sharp. Loft ! Pray Heaven thou haft not loft thy Wits. Here, her«, (he's 

thy own Man, fign'd and feal'd too To her Man A delicious 

Mellon pure and confenting ripe, and only waits thy Cutting up She 

has been breeding Love to thee all this while, and juft now ftie's delivered 
of it. 

Vain. Tis an untimely Fruit, and (he has mifcarried of her Love. 
Sharp. Never leave this damn'd, lll-natiir'd whimfey, Frank? Thou haft 
a fickly peevijQj Appetite 5 only chew Love and cannot digeft it. Vain. 



C 3© J 

Vain, Yes, when I feed my fdf~Bufe I hate to b$ cramm^ — By H^av'ii 
there's not a Woman, will give a Man £he pleafure of a chafe : My fporc 
is always balkt or cut (hort— I ftumble over tiie Game I would purfue — - 
'Tisdull and unnatural to have a Hare run full in the Hounds Mouth ; 

and would diftalte the keenefl: Hunter ^ 1 would have overtaken, not 

have met my Game. 

Sharp, However I hope you don't mean to forfake it, that will be but a 
kind of a Mungril Curs trick. Well, are you for the Mall? 

Vain. No, (he will be there this evening ——Yes, I will go too 

And (he (hall fee her error in^ - 

Sharp. In her choice! gad But thou canfl: not be fo great a Brute 

as toflight her. 

Vain. I (hould difappoint her if I did not— By her management I (hould 
think (he exped:s it. 

All Naturally fly what does purfue : 

*Tis fit M^n fijGuld he coy^ when Women voooe. Exeunt, 

SCENE Changes to a Room in Fondlewife'^ Houfe. 

A Servant introducing BeJlmour in Fanatic!^ Habit^ with a Patch upon one Eye^ 

and a Book^ in his Hand, 
Serv, Here's a Chair, Sir, if you pleafe to repofe yt>ur felf. I'll call my 
Miftrefs. , Exit. Servant 

Bell. Secure in my Difguife, I have out-fac'd Sufpicion, and even dar'd 
Difcovery— — This Cloak my Sandity, and trufty Scarron^s Novels my 
Prayer-Book — Methinks l am the very Pidure of Montufar in the //y- 
focrites^ — ^ Oh! (becomes. Enter Lxtitid. 

So breaks Aurora through the Veil of Nighty ( Throwing off' 
Thus fly the Clouds^ divided by her Eighty < his Cloak, ^ 
Andev^ryEye rectivtsaneW'hornSighf, Patchy &:c, 

Lat. Thus ftrew^d with Blu^es^ likp-^hh ! Heav'n defend me ! Who's 
this ? £Difcovering hiwj ft arts. 

Bell. Your Lover. 

Lat.Vainloveh Friend! 1 know his Face,and he has betraid meto him,C>^^^. 

BelL You arefurprized. Did you not exped a Lover, Madam? Thofe 
Eyes (bone kindly on my firft Appearance, tho'now they are o^er-caft. 

Lat. I may well be furpriz'd at your Perfon and Impudence; they are 

both new to me-- You are not what your firft Appearance promifed : 

The Piety of your Habit was welcome, but not the Hypocrrfy. 

Bell. Rather the Hypocrify was welcome, but not the Hypocrite. 

La. Who are you, Sir ? You have miftaken the Houfe fure. 

Bell, I have Directions in my Pocket, which agree with every thing 
but your llnkindnefs. Z.Pulls out the Letter. 

Lat^ My Letter! BakVainlovel Then 'tis too late to diffemble. lAflde. 
'Tis plain then you have miftaken the Perfon. L^^oing, 

Bell, if 



4 



Bdi If we parUfo Tm miftaken Hold, hold, Madam — I confefs 

I have run into an Errour — I beg your Pardon a thoufand times - What 
an eternal Block-head am I ! Can you forgive me the Diforder I have put 
you into ~ But it is a Miftake which any body might have made. ^ 

LAt. What can this mean ! 'Tis impolTible he ftiould be miftaken after 
all this— AhandfomeFellowifhehadnotfurpriz'd me: Methinks, now I 
look on him again, I would not have him miftaken. [-^^^^.]We are all liable 
toMiftakes, Sir: If you own it to be fo, there needs no farther Apology. . 

Bell. Nay 'Faith, Madam,-'tis a pleafant one and worth your bearing, 
Expe(fling a Friend, laft Night, at his Lodgings, till 'twas late my inti- 
macy with him gave me the Freedom of his Bed : He not coming home all 
Night, a Letter was delivered to m.' by a Servant, in the Morning : Upon 
the perufal I found the Contents fo charming, that I could think of nothing 

all Day, but putting 'era in pradice till juftnow, (thefirfttimel ever 

look'd upon the Superfcription) I am themoft furprizMin the world to 
find it direded to yiv. Vainlove, Gad, Madam, I ask you a Million of 
Pardons, and will make you any Satisfadlion. 

LAt, I am difcover'd— — --And either Vahlove is not guilty, or he has 
handfomely excufedhim. . {^Afidc. 

Ball, You appear concern'd. Madam. 

Z/^f. I hope you are a Gentleman*, -and finceyou arc privy to a 

weak Woman's Failing, won't turn it to the prejudice of her Reputation. 
You look as if you had more Honour— 

Bell. And more Love ^ or my Face is a Falfe-Witnefs, and deferves to 

be pillory'd. — ~No, by Heaven, I fwear 

Nay, don't fwear if you'd have me believe you ^ but promifc ■ 

Bell. Well, I promife A Promife is fo cold Give me leave 

to fwear —by thofe Eyes, thofe killing Eyes ; by thofe healing Lips. ^ — 
Oh ! prefs the foft Charm clofe to mine, and feal 'em up for ever. 

Lat, Upon that Condition. ^He k^fes her, 

, ^'^/Z." Eternity was in that moment- One more, upon any Condition.-- 

L<zt. Nay now -I never faw any thing fo agreeably Impudent. \iAfide, 
W on't you cenfure me for this, now but 'tis to buy your Silence. [AT//}. 
Oh, but what am I doing ! 

-5f//. Doing! No Tongue can exprefs it -not thy own; nor any thing, 

but thy Lips. 1 am f^ant with the Excefs of Blifs: Oh, for Love- 

fake, lead me any whither, where I may lie down j — quickly, for I'fli 

afraid Ifhall have a Fir. ' 

L'it Hlefs me ! What Fit? 

Bell. Oh, a Conviiliion ^ I feel the Symptoms. 

La^t. Doi;s it hold you long? I'm afraid to carry you into my Chamber. 

Bell. Obj No : Let me lie down upon the Be<J ^ the Fit will be 

loon over. lExenm. 



4 

F 



SCENE 



( 



SCENE cha^ief to St James'^ Park. Araminta affd Minda 

Belifj. Lard, my Dear: I am glad I have met you have been at 

the Exchange fince, and am To tir'd 

^ram. Why, What's the matter ? 

Bdiri. Oh the moft inhumane, barbarous Hackney-Coach ! I am. jolted 
toa Jelly— A 01 1 not horridly ' touzM ? iPfi^is mt a Mocket^GUfi. 

Aram, Your Head's a little out of Order. . * 

Bdin. A little ! O frightful! What a furious Fiz I have ! O moft rueful ! - 
Ha, ha, ha : O Gad^ I hope no body will come this way, till I put my felf 
a little in Repair — Ah ! my Dear — I have feen fuch unhewn Creatures 
fince — Ha, ha, ha, 1 can't for my Soul help thinking that l lookjuft like 

one of 'era — Good Dear, pin this, and I'll tell you — -Very well . 

So, thank you my Dear- — -But as I was telling you Pifh, this is the 

untoward'ft Lock— ' — - So, as I was telling you— ——How d'ye like 
me now ? Hideous, ha ? Frightful ftill ? Or how ? 

Aram, No, no^ you're very well as can be. 

Btlin, And fo— But where did I leave off, my Dear ? I wastelling you— 

jiram, Yow were about to tell me fomething, Child —but you 

left off before you began* 

Belin, Oh ^ a moft Comical Sight : A Country Squire, with the Equi- 
page of a Wife and two Daughters, came to Mrs. SmpwePs Shop while 
I was there -- -But, Oh Gad I Two fuch unlick'd Cubs ! 

Aram, 1 warrant, plump. Cherry- cheek'd Country Girls. 

Belm, Ay, O my Confcience, fat as Barn door-Fowl: But fo bedeck'd, 
you would have taken 'era for F?i€z.landHeas^ with their Feathers growiug 
die wrong way — O fuch Out-landilh Creatures ! Such Tramontana^ and 
Foreigners lo the Fafliion, or any thing in pradice ! I had not patience to 
behold— — undertook the modelling of one of their Fronts, the more 
asodern Strudlure 

Aram, Blefs me, Coufin j why would you affront anybody fo? They 
might be Gentlewomen of a very good Family — 

Bdin, Of a very ancient one, I dare fwear, by their Drefs Affront ! 

llhaw, how you^re raiftaken! The poor Creature, I warrant, was as full 
of Curtfies, as if I had been her Godmother : The Truth on't is, I did 
endeavour to make her look like a Chi iftian— and Ihe was fenfible of it; 
for (he thankM me, and gave me two Apples, piping hot, out of her Un- 
der-Prtticoat-Pocket Ha, ha, ha: And t'other did fo ftare and gape— 
I fanfiea her like the Pront of her Father's Hail 5 her Eyes were the two 
ju^ Windows, and her Mouth the great Door, moft hofpiubly kept open, 
for the Entertainment of travelling Flics, 

Aram So then ; you have been diverted* What did tl^iey buy ? 

Bdiv, Why, the Father bought a Powder Horn,>i id an Ato : ^ck^ and a 
Comb-Cafe 5 the Mother, a great Fni2;-Towr, and a Fat- Amber Necklace j 
iiie Daughters only tore two Pair S[ Kid Glovesj, with trying 'em on 



c 53 ; 

Oh Gad, here comes the Fool that din'd at my Lady Freehve^ t'other day: 

Enter Sir Jofeph and Bluffe, 
^ram. May be he may not know us again. 

J?e/^;?. We'll put on our Masks to fecure his lgnorance.(rkyp«f on theWMasksi, 

Sir Jo. Nay, gad, I'll pick up^ I'm relolv'd to make a Night on't— I'll go 
to Alderman Fondkwife by and by, and get 50 Pieces more from him. Adfli- 
dikins, Bnll^^ we'll wallow in Wine and Women. Why, this fame Madera^ 
Wine has made me as light as a Grafhopper -Hift, hift. Bully, doft thou 
fee thofe Tearers ? \^Sings^ Look yon what here is — Look you what here is — • 
Toll-^loll^dera^toU--loll—h Gad, t'other Glafs of Madera^ and I durlt 
have attaek'd 'em in my own proper Perfon, without your help. 

Bluffe. Come on then. Knight But d'ye kaow what to fay to 'em ? 

Sir Jo, Say : Pooh, Pox, I've enough to fay-— never fear it- — that is, 
if I can but think on't : Truth is, I have but a treacherous Memory. 

Belw. O frightful ! Coufin, Whatlhall we da? Thefe things come to- 
ward us. 

^ram. No matter — I fee Vainlove coming this way and, to con- 

fefe ray Failing, lam willing to give him an opportunity of making his 

Peace with me and to rid me of thefe Coxcombs, when I feem op- 

preft with 'em, wiU be a fair one. 

Blpiffe. Ladies, by thefe Hilts you are well met. 

^r««»«. We are afraid not. 

Slhffe. What fays my pretty little Knapfack Carrier ? {To Belindar 

Btlin. O monftrous filthy Fellow ! Good flovenly Captain Huffe^ Bl^ffe^ 
( what is your hideous name ?) be gone v You ftink of Brandy and Tobacco, 
moft Soldier-like, Fob. C^pi^^- 

Sir. Jof, Now am I flap-dalh down in the Sfouth, and have not one 
Word to fay ! L^fide. 

Aram\ hope my Fool has not Confidence enough to be troublefome. {^j^fids. 

Sir Jof, Hem ! Pray, Madam, which way's the Wind ? 

Aram, A pithy Queftion~~ Have you fent your Wits for a Venture,; 
Sir, that you enquire ? 

Sir Jof, Nay, now I'm in 1 can prattle like a Magpye. l^jifide. 

Enter Sharper and Vainlove at a Diftanct, 

Belin, Dear jiramima^ I'mtir'd. 

jiram, Tis but pullingjofF our Masks, and obliging Vainlove to know us,' 

I'll be rid of my Fool by fair means Well, Sir Jofefh^ you fliall fee 

my Face but, be g6ne immediately 1 fee one that will be Jealous, 

to find me in difcourle with you-**— Be difcrect— — No reply but 
away. ^Vnmasks. 

Sir Jvj The great Foi tunc, that dined at my Lady Freeloveh ! Sir Jofeph^ 
thou irta made Man. Agad, I'm in Love up to the Ears. But Til be 
difciect, d hufht [^Afidc^ 

Blufft, Nay, by the World, I'll fee your face. 

You fhall. XVnmasks, 

F a Sharf, Ladies 



'( 5 4- ) 

Sharp. Ladies, your humble Servant- — We were afraid^ you would not 
have given us leave to know you. 

jiram. We thought to have been private But v/e find Fools, have 

the fame advantage over a Face in a Mask, that a Coward has, while the 
Sword is ia the Scabbard —— So were forced to draw in our own de- 
fence. 

, Bkfe. My blood rifes at that Fellow : I can'^t ftay where he is ^ and I 
mull not draw in the Park. ^ . [Tb^/rjof. 

Sir Jof, I wifh I durft ftay to let htr know my Lodging 

[Exeunt Sir ]o^, and^lw^Q, 

Sharp, There is in true Beauty, as in Courage, fomewhat, which nar- 
row Souls cannot dare to admire — — And fee, the Owls are fled, as at 
the break of Day. 

Bdind. Very courtly — I believe, Mr. rainlove hsLS not rubbM his Eyes^ 
fince break of Day neither, he looks as if he durft not approach - — Nay, 
comeCoulin, be Friends, with him— — I fwear he looks fo very fimply^ 
ha, ha, ha,~ Well, a Lover in the ftate of reparation from his Miftrifs, 
is like a Body without a Soul. Mr»Vawlovey lhall I be bound for your good 
Behaviour for the future? 

Faw. Now muft I pretend ignorance equal to hers, of what (he knows 
as well as I. C^/'^^-l Men are apt to offend ( 'tis true ) where they find 
moft Goodnefs to forgive - — — But, Madam, I hope I ftiall prove of a 
.Temper, not to abuie Mercy, by committing new Offences. 

^ram. So cold ! {^Afde, 

Bdin. I have broke the ke for ypu, Mr. ^^^^oz^^, and fo I leave youi 
Come, Mr. Sharper^ you and 1 will take a turn, and laugh at the Vulgar — 
Both the great Vulgar and the fmalj— Oh Gad ! 1 have a great PafTion for 
Cowley- — — - Don't you admire him? 

Sh^rp, Oh Madam ! He was our Englifti Horace, 

Bdin, Ah fo fine ! So cxtremdy fine I So evtry thing in the world that 
Iiike-~Oh Lord, walk this way— I fee a couple I'll give you their 
iHiftory. lEx, Bel and Sharp. 

Fain, 1 find. Madam, the Formality of the Law muft be obferv'd, tho* 
the Penalty of it be difpensM with 5 and an Offender muft Plead to his Ar- 
raignment, though he have his Pardon in bis Pocket. v 

>Aram, Tm amaz'd I This Infolence exceeds the t'other v— whoever has 
encouragM you to this affuraoce — prefuming upon the eafinefs of my 
Temper, has much deeeiv'di you, and foyou (hall find. ' - 

Vain, Heyday! Which/waytUQw ? He^^eXfip^rdoubling. [Afide'. 

Aram, Bafe Man ! Was it not enough to afiront me with your fawcy 
PalJion? 

Fain. You have given that Paffion a much kinder Epithet tlanSawcyi 
in another place. 

Aram. Another place ! Some villainous Defign to blaft ray Honcur- — 
But tho' thou hadft all the Treache y and Malice of thy Sex, ttiou c^-nft not 

lay 



lay a blemiih on my Fame-' No, I have not err'd ia one favourable 

Thought of Mankind How time might have deceiv'd me in you, I 

know not i my opinion was but young, and your early bafenefs has pre- 
vented its growing to a wrong Belief Unworthy, and ungrateful ! Be 

gone, and never fee me more. 

^4^;?. Did I dream? Or do I dream? bhalll believe my Eyes, or Ears? 
The Vifion is here ftill- — Your PalTion, Madam, will admit of no farther 

reafoning But here is a filent Witnefs of your acquaintance- — — 

l^Takes out the Letter^ and offers it : She fmtches it^ and throws it away, 

Aram, There's Poifon in every thing you touch — Blifters will follow — 

VoAn. That Tongue, which denies whaL the Hands have done. 

Aram, Still myftically, fenfelefs and impudent — —I find I muft leave the 
place. 

Vain, No, Madam, I'm gone— She knows her Name's to it, which fhe 
will be unwilling to expofe to the Cenfure of the firft finder. \Exit. 

Aram, Woman's Obftinacy made me blind, to what Woman's Curiofity 
now tempts me to fee. \Ta}(i^s ufthe Lttter^ and Exit, 

y Enter Belinda, Sharper. 

Belind. Nay, we have fpared no body,Tfwear. Mr, Sharper^ you're a 
pure Man ; where did you get this excellent Talent of Railing ? 

Sharp, Faith, Madam, the Talent was born with me:— I confefs, I have 
taken care to improve it ; to qualify me for the fociety of Ladies. 

Belin. Nay, fure Railing is thebeft qualification in a Woman's Man. 

Sharp. The fecond beft, — - indeed I think Enter Footman, 

Belin, How now, Pace l Where's my Coufia? 

Foot, She's not very weil^ Madam, and has fent to know, if your Ladi- 
ihip would have the Coach come again for you ? 

Bdin, O Lord, No, ril go along with her. Come, Mr. 5W/7er. {Exemu 

S.C E N E Changes to a Chamber in FondlewifeV Houfe. 

* Enter Lastitia and Bellmour, his Cloak^y Hat^ &c. lying loofe about the Chamber. 

Bell, Here's no body, nor no noife — - 'cwas nothing but your fears. 

Lat, I durft have fworn, I bad heard my Monfter's Voice- Lfwear, ! 

was heartily frightned— Feel how niy heart beats. 

BtlL Tis an alarm to Love— Come in again, and let us— 

Fond, without. Cocky, Cocky, where are you, Cocky ? I'm come home, 

L^t, Ah ! There he is. Make hafte, gather up your things. 
Cocky, Cocky, open the door. 

BelL Pox choak him, would his Horns v^ere in his Throat- My Patch, 
my Patch. [Looking about ^ and gathering up his things. 

Lat. My Jewel, art thou there ? No matter for your Patch -You s'an't 

tum in, Nykin Run into my Chamber, quickly, quickly. You s an't turn 

in. [Bell, ^ofm.. 

Fond, N^y, prithee, Dear, ifcck I'm in hafte. 

' Lxt, Then 



C 

L^t. Then I'll lefe yon in. (Opens the Door: 

Enter Fondlewife, and Sir Jofeph. 

Fond. Kifs, Dear — I met the Mafter of the Ship by the way — - And I 
muft have my Papers of Accounts out of your Cabinet. 

Lnu, Ob, Pm undone ! (j^fide. 

Sir Jo, Pray, firft let me have /. good Alderman, for Vm in hafte. 

Tond, ^ hundred has already been paid, by your Order. Fifty? I have 
the Summ ready in Gold, in my Clofet. {Goes imo hU'Clofet, 

Sirjo. Agad, it's a curious, fine, pretty Rogue ^ Til fpeak to her ^ 

Pray, Madam, what News d'ye hear ? 

Lat. Sir, 1 feldom ftir abroad. (IValks About in diforder. 

Sir I wonder at that^ Madam, for 'tis moft curious fine weather, 

Xtff. Methlnk% 't has been very ill weather. 

Sir ?o. As you fay. Madam, 'cis pretty bad weather, and has been fo a 
great while. \ ^ 

Enter Fondlewife. 

Fond, Here are fifty pieces in this Purfe, Sir Jofeph ^ If you will tarry 

a moment, till Ifetch my Papers, I'll wait upon you down Stairs. . 

Lat, Ruin'd, paft Redemption ! What ftiall I rj4s Fond, is going- 
do-- — —Ha! this fool may be ofufe. (jifide,^ \ to the Chamber^ flip 
Standoff, rude Ruffian. Help me, my Dear ' < rnns to Sir Jofeph, 

blefs me ! Why will you leave me alone with 2 almofi pufhes him 
fuchaSatyr. down^ and cries out ^ 

Fond, Blefs us! what's the matter ? what's the matter? 

X^f. Your back was nofooner turnM ^ but like a Lion, he came open 
mouth'd upon me, and would have raviflied a kifs from me by main force. 

Sir Jo. O Lord ! Oh terrible ! Ha, ha, ha, is your Wife mad, Alderman ? 

Ldit, Oh ! I am fick with the fright j won't you take him out of my light ? 

Fond, Oh Tray tor ! I'm aftoniihed. Oh bloody-minded Tray tor f 

Sir Jo. Hey-day! Tray tor your felf By the Lord Harry I was in 

moft danger of being ravifh'd, if you go to that. 

Fond, Oh, how the blafphemous wretch (wears! Out of my houfe, 
thou Son of the whore of Babylon ; OfF-fpring of Bell and the Dragon*-^ 
Blefs' us! Ravilhmy Wife! m^j Dinah! Oh Shechemite ! Be gone I fay. 

Sir ?o. Why, the Devil's in the people, I think. (Exit. 

Lat, Oh ! won't you follow, and fee him out of Doors, my Dear ? 

Fond. V\\ (hut this door, to fecure him from coming back*- Give me 

the Key of your Cabinet, cocky --^Ravifti my Wife before my face ! I 
warrant he*s a Papifl: in his heart, at leaft, if not a French-mzn. 

Lat, What can I do now ! (j^Jlde.) Oh ! my Dear, I have been in fach 
a frighe, that I forgot to tell you, poor Mr. Spintext h?is a fad Fit of the 
CboHck, and is forced to lie down upon our bed You'll dillurb him | 

1 can tread fofclier. 

Fond, Alack poor Man No, no— you don't know the Papers — I 

won't difturb him \ Give me the Key. {She gives him the Key^goes 

tke€hamher»doQr^ and fpeafq alond,) Lt,t. 'Tis 



( 57 ) 

L^t, H is no body but Mr. Fo«*5//^w/y^, Mr. lieftillon your Sto- 

mach lying on your Stomach, will eafe you of the Cholick. 

Fortd, Ay, ay, li€ ilill, lieftill^ don't kt me diJdurb you. (Goes in, 

L<zt, Sure, when he does not fee his f<^ce, he won't difcover him. Dear 

Fortune, help me but this once, and Til never run in thy debt again • 

But this Opportunity is the Devil. 

Fondlewife returns with Papers. 

Fond, Good lack ! good lack ! 1 profefs, the poor Man is in great 

torment, he lies as fiat- Dear, you fliould heat a Trencher, or a Nap- 
kin Where's Deborah r let her clap a warm thing to his Stomach, or 

chafe it with a warm hand, rather than fail. What Book's this ? 

(^Sees the Book that Bellmour forgot. 

LAt, Mr. 5/?/«fm's Prayer-book, Dear — Pray Heav'n it be a Praycrr 
book. i^fide. 

Fond, Good Man ! I warrant he droppM it on purpofe, that you might 
take it up, and read fome of the pious Ejaculations. [_Tak$ng upthe B^okri O 
blefs me! O monftrous! A Prayer-book? Ay, this is the Devil's Fater^ 
Nolier, Hold, let me fee ^ The Innocent Adultery, 

Ldt, Misfortunel now all's ruin'd again. (^Afide, 

Bell, lP^epingr\ DsmnM Chance! If I had gone a whoring with the Pr/«^ 
^ice of Piety in my Pocket, 1 had never been difcaver'd. 

Fmd. Adultery, and innocent! O Lord I Here's Dodrine ! Ay, here's 
Difcipline! - . 

Lat. Dear Husband, I'm amai^'d : —Sure it is a good Book, and on- 
ly tends to the Speculation of Sin. 

Fond. Speculation! No, no 5 fomething went farther than fpeculation 

when! was not to be let in- ^ Where is this Apocryphal Elder? 

I'll ferret him.. 

Lat. Pin fo diftrafted, I can't think of a Lye. (^Afide. 
Fondlewife haling, out Bellmour. 
, Fond. Come out here, thou Anmias incarnate-— ^ Who, how now ! 
who have we here ? . 

Ldit. Ha I (Shriehj 4s furpriz^d. 

Fond. Oh, thou falaclous Woman! Am I then brutified? Ay, I feel 
it here^ I fprout, I bud, I bloirom, I am ripe-horn-mad. But wio in the 
DeviPs name, are you ? Mercy on me for fwearing. But— 

Lat. Oh,goodnefskeepus! Who's this? Who are you? What are you? 

Bell. Soh. 

Lat. In the name of the Oh! Good, my Dear, don't come near it^ 

I'm afraid 'tis the Devil ^ indet d it has hoofs, Dear. 

FoKd. Indeed, and I have Horns, Dear. The Devil, na, I'm afraid^ 
'tis the Flelh, thou Harl8t.r Dear, with the Pox. Come $yre^^ fpeak^ 
confefs, who is this reverend, brawny Paftor ? 

Lot. Indeed, and indeed now my dear iVyi^«— I never faw this wicked 
Man before. 

£(md. Oh, it is a Man then, itfeeras: i^^. Rs^ 



< 38 ; 

Lat. Rather, fure it is a Wolf in the cloathing of a Sheep. 

Fond. Thou art a Devil in his proper cloathing, Womans fielh, Whati, 
^ou know nothing of him, but his Fleece here ! - You don't love Mutton ? 
—you unconverted. 

BelL Well, now I know my Cue - — That is very honourably, to ex- 
cufeher, and very impudently accufe my feif. (^Afide. 

Ldit, Why then, Iwifli I may never enter into the Heaven of your Em- 
1)races again, my Dear, if ever I faw his face before. 

Fond. O Lord ! Oftrange! 1 am in admiration of your impudence. 
Look at hina a little better ; he is more modeft, I warrant you, than to deny 
it. Come, were you two never face to face before? Speak. 

Beil Since all Aitifice is vain And I think my felf obliged tofpeak 

the Truth in Juftice to your Wife— No. 

Fond, Humph. 

X^^. No, indeed Dear. 

Fond, Nay I find you are both in a ftory that I muft confefs. But, 
what— — not to be cured of the Cholick ? Don't you know your Patient, 
Mrs.;^'^^^.^ Oh, lie upon your Stomach ; lying upon your Stomach will 
cure you of the Cholick, Ah ! I wifli he has lain upon no bodies ftomach 
but his own. Anfwer me that, Jc;?:,^^^/ ? 

Ldtt, Let the wicked Man anfwer for himfelf \ does he think that I 
have nothing to do but excufe him ; 'tis enough, if I can clear my own 
innocence to my own Dear. 

Bdl By my troth, and fo 'tis — I have been a little too backward, that's 
the truth on't. 

Fond. Come, Sir, who are you, in the firfl: place ? and what are you ?. 

Bdl A Whoremafter. 

Fond, Very Concife. 

i<e^ O beaflly, impudent Creature. 

Fond. Well Sir, and what came you hither for ^ 

Bdl To lie with your Wife. 

Fond, Good again— A very civil ' erfon this, and I believe fpeaks truth, 
Lat, Oh, infupportable impudence ! 

Fond. Well, Sir,— Pray be cover'd— —and you have; — Heh ! You have 
finifli'd the matter, Heh ? And I am, as I (hould be, a fort of a civil Per- 
quifite to a Whore-mafter, called a Cuckold^ Heh. Is itnot fo? Come, 
I'm inclining to believe every word you fay. 

Bdl Why, Faith I muft confefs, fo 1 defign'd you — But, you were a 
little unlucky in coming fo foon, and hindred the making of your own 
Fortune. 

Fond: Humph. Kay, if you mince the matter once, and go back of your 
word \ you are not the Perfon 1 took you for. Come, come, go on boldly-r- 
What, don't be aftiamM of your Profeffion — Confeis, confefs, I fliaii love 
thee the better for'f — - I ihail, Ifeck — What, doft think i don't know 
haw Jo.behave my felf in the employment of a Cuckold and have been 3 

Years 



( 39 ; . 

Years Apprentice to Matrimony ? Come, come, Plain-dealing is a Jewel. 

BelL Well, fmce I fee thou art a good honeft Fellow, Til confefs the 
whole matter to thee. 

Fond. Oh, I am a very honeft Fellow — You never lay with an honfter 
man's wife in your life, 

Ldt. How my heart akes ! All my comfort lies in his impudence, and 
heav'n be praifed, he has a confiderable portion. {^jifide, 

BelL In Ihort then, 1 was informed of the op]jprtunity of your abfence, 
by my Spy, ( for faith, honeft Ifaac^ I have a long time defign'd thee this 
favour ) 1 knew Spin-text was to come by your direftion. — But I laid a trap 
for him, and procured his Habit v in which, I pafs'd upon your Servants, 
and was condudied hither. I pretended a Fit of the Cholick, to excufe my 
lying down upon your Bed j hoping that when (he heard of it, her good 
nature would bring her to adminifter Remedies for my Diftemper. — ► You 
know what might have follow'd. — But like an uncivil Perfon, you knock'd 
at the door, before your wife was come to me. 

Fond. Ha ! This is Apocryphal^ I may chufe whethei" I will believe it 
or no. 

Bell. That you may, faith, and I hope you won*t believe a word on'c — 
But I can't help telling the truth, for my life. 

Fond. How ! wou'd not you have me believe you, fay you ? 

Bell. No ^ for then you muft of confequence part with your wife, and 
there will be fome hopes of having her upon the publick 5 then the encou- 
ragement of a feparate maintenance — 

Fond. No, no 5 for that matter, when (he and I part, flie'll carry 

her feparate maintenance about her. 

Ldtt. Ah, cruel Dear, how^canyoube fo barbarous? You'll break my 
heart, if you talk of parting. iCries. 

Fond. Ah, Diflembling Vermin ! 

BeU. How canft thou be fo cruel, Ifaac ? Thou haft the heart of a Moun- 
. tain-Tyger. By the faith of a fincere Sinner,flie's innocent forme. Go to him, 
Madani,tiing your fnowy Arras about his ftubborn r She goes dvd hangs upon 
Neck i bathe his reientlefs Face in ydtir fait trick- ^ his Neck^ and kijfes 
ling Tears. — So, a few foft Words, and a Kifs, < him. Bell, kiffes her 
and the good Man melts. See how kind Nature 2 Hand behind Fondle- 
works, and boils-over in him. C wife's back^ 

Ldt. Indeed, my Dear, I was but juft come down ftairs, when you 
knock'd at the Door j and the Maid told me Mr. Spin^text was ill of the 
Cholick, upon our Bed. And won't yon fpeak to me, cruel Nyk^n ? Indeed, 
I'll die, if you don't. 

Fond. Ah ! No, no, I cannot fpe^ik, my hearth fo full — I have been a 
tender Husband, a tender Yokcfeilow \ you know i have ~ But tbou haft 
been a faithlefs Dalitr.h^ and the Philffiines have been^fKjn thee. Heh ! ' Art 
tbou not vile and unckan, Heh ? Sgeak. ' H keeping. 

X^er, No h. C'^i?^'"'^- 

G Fond. Oh, 



(40) 

Fmd. Oh, that I could believe thee ! 

Lat, Oh, ray Heart will break. Z^eemw^to fawn 

Fond, Heh, How I No, ftay, ftay, I will believe thee, I will. 

Fray bend her forward, Sir. 
Lizt, Oh! Ohi Where is my Dear ? 

Fond. Here, here j I do believe thee, — - 1 won't believe my own Eyes. 
Bell. For my part, I am fo charm'd with the love of your Turtle to yon, 
that I'll go and follicit Matrimony with all my might and main. * 

Fond. Well, well. Sir f as long as I believe it, 'tis well enough. No thanks 
to you. Sir, for her Vertue. But, I'll ftio w you the way out of my Houfe^ 
if you pleafe. Come, my Dear. Nay, ! will believe thee, I do, Pfeck. 
BelL See the great Blefling of an eafe Faith 5 Opinion cannot erV, 
No Husband, by his Wife, can be deceiv'd 5 
She ftill is Vertuous, if ^j^s fo belie v'd. {^Exmm 



ACT V. SCENE L The Street. 

Enter Beltaiour in Fanmck, Ff^it^ and Setter. 
Bttt. Q^Etter ! Well encountered. 

O Setter. Joy of your Return, Sir. Have you made a good 
Voyage ^ Or have you brought your own Lading back ? * 

BelL No, I have brought nothing but Ballaft back - — - made^^ a delicious 
Voyage, Setter ; and mighli have rode at Ancor lathe Port till this timej'but 
the Enenfiy furpriz'd us — — I would unrig. 
5fjf/fr. 1 attend you, Sir. 

Z^Q^T^twtl and Locy appear at Sylvio^s Door."} 
Bell. Ha ! Is not that Heartml at Sylvia's Door ? Be gone quickly^ Pli 

follow you : — — - 1 would not be known. lExit Setter.] Pox take 'em, 

they ftand juft in my way. 
Hearts. I'm impatient till it done. 

Lncy. That may be, without troubling your felf to go again for your 
Brother s Chaplain. Don't you fee that ftalking Form of Godlineft ? 
Heart. OP0X5 he's a Fanatick. 

Litcy. An Executioner qualified to do your bufinefs. He has been law^; 
folly Ordain d. 

Heart. I'll pay hind weU, if you'll break the Matter to him. 

Lucy. I warrant you— Da you go and prepare your Bride. C£A?.H€artwC 

Bell. HumphySitr. the Wind there ? What a lucky Rogue am I ! 

Oh, what Sport will be here, if I can perfuade this Wench io Secrelie ? 



Lmsy, Sir ? 



( ¥ ) 

Lucy. Sir : Reverend Sir. 

Bcli Madam. {JDifcovers hmfelf. 

Lucy. Now, Goodnefs have mercy upon me ! Mx\ Bellamoftr ! isit you ? 
BeH, Even I. What dofl: think ? 

Lncy. Think That I fhould not believe my Eyes, and that you arc not 
what you feem to be. 

Bell. True. But to convince thee who I am, thou knoweft my old 
Token. tj^ilfes her. 

hmy. Nay, Mr. Bellamow : O Lard ! I believe you are a Parfon in good 
earneft, you kifs fo devoutly. 

Bell. Well, your bufinefs with me, Lficy f 

Lucy. I had none, but through raiftake. 

Bell. Which miftake you muft go thorough with, Lncy • Come, I 

I know the Intrigue between Beartwd and your Miftrefs ; and you miftook 

me for Tribdation Spin-text^ to marry 'em Ha? Are not matters in 

this pafture? Gonfefs : - — — Come, I'll be faithful ; I will i'faitlj, 

- — - What, DifEde in me, Lncy ? 

Lucy. Alas-a-day ! You and Mr. yainlove^ between you, have ruin'd 
my poor Miftrefs : You have made a Gap in her Reputation j ^nd can you 
blame her if (he ftop it up with a Husband ? ^ ' * - - 

Bell. Well, is it as I fay? 

Lucy. Well,*itisthen: But you'll be fecret? 

Bell. *Phuh, Secret, Ay : — ~ And to be out of thy debt, I'll trull thee 
with another Secret. Your Miftrefs muft not marry Heartwel^ Lucy. 

Lucy. How ! O Lord ! — ♦ 

Belt. Nay, Don't be in PafBoji,X//ry — — Y\\ provide a fitter Husband 
for her. - — Come, here's Earndt: of my good In tentions for thee too ; Le6 
this mollifie. — • ^Gives hex Money, 2 Look you, Heartwel is my Friend j and 
tho' he be blind, I muft not fee him fall into the Snare, and unwittingly 
marry a Whore. 

» Lucy. Whore ! I'd have you to know my Miftrefs fcorns — 

- BelL Nay, nay: Look you, Xwy • there are Whores of as good Qua- 
lity. — — But to the purpofe, if you will give me leave to acquaint you 

with it. — ' Do you carry on the Miftake of me : I'll marry 'em. Nay, 

don't paufe ; — — If you do, rUfpoilall. — • I have fome private 

Reafons for what I do, which Til tell you within. • In the mean time, 

I promife, and rely upon me,- — - to help your Miftrefs to a Husband : 

Nay, and thee too, Ltt^y. « • Here's my hand, I will ^ with a frefti Af- 

furance. [j^ives her more Money. 

Lucy, Ah, the Devil is not fo cunning. You know my eafie Nature. 

' Well, for once I'll venture to ferve you \ but if you do deceive me, 

the Curfeofall kind, tender-hearted women light upon yon. 

^eiif.* That's as much as to fay, The Box take f«e.— Well, lead on. {ExemK 
{Enter Vainlove, Sharper, and Setter,] 

Sharf. Juft now, fay you, gone in with Lucy f 

G 2 ^ Setter-il 



( 4^ ) 

Setter. I faw him, Sir, and ftood at the Corner where you found me, 
and over-heard ali they faid : Mr. Bellmour is to marry *em. 

5Wp, Ha, ha * Twill be a pleafant Cheat , - — Til plague Heartwel 
when I fee him. Prithee, Franks let's tea:&e him ; make him fret till he foam 

at th^ mouth, and difgoi ge his Matrimonial Oath with Intereft Com^, 

thou'rt fo mufty — — 

Setter. ( To Sharper. ) Sir, a word with you. {Whiffers him. 

Vain. Sharer fwears ftie has forfworn the Letter — rm fure he tells 

me Truth 5 — — - but I am not fure (he told him Truth : Yet (he was 

unaffededly concerned, he fays \ and often blulh'd with Anger and Surprize : 
——And fo I remember in the Park. — - — She had reafon, if I wrong her 
— I begin to doubt. 

Shar^, Say 'ft thoufo! 

Setter, This Aftsrnoon, Sir, about an hour before my Mafter receiv'd 
the Letter. 
Shar^. In my Confcience, like enough. 

Setter, Ay, 1 Itnow her, Sir \ at leaft, I'm fqre I can fifli it out of her : 
She's the very Sluce to her Lady's Secrets :-—'Tis but fetting her Mill a- 
going, and I can drein her of 'em all. 

Shar^, Here, Fr^wi^, your Bloud-hound has made out the Fault : This 
Letter, that fo fticks in thy Maw, is counterfeit ; only a Trick of Salvia in 
Revenge, contriv'd by Lucy. 

Vain. Ha ! It has a Colour — — But how do you know it. Sirrah ? 

Setter, I do fufped as much; — becaufe why. Sir, — She was pumping 
me about how your \yorfhip's Affairs ftood towards Madam ArAminU ; 
as, when you had feen hcrlaft? when you were to fee her next? and, 
where you were to be found at that time ? and fach like. 

Vam. And where did you tell her ? 

Setter. In the Piazza. 

Vain. There I receiv'd the Letter It rauft be fo — - And why did 
you not find me out, to tell me this before. Sot ? 
Setter. Sir, I was Pimping for Mr. Bellmour. 

Sharp, You were well employ'd : — I think there is no Objeftion to 
the Excufe. 

Vain. Pox o* my fawcy Credulity If I have loft her, I deferve it. 

But if ConfefTion and Repentance be of force, I'll van her, or weary her 
into a Forgivenefs. C Exit. 

Sharp, Methinks I long to fee Bellmour come forth. 

Enter Bellmour. 

Setter. Talk of the Devil See where he comes. 

Sbarf, Hugging himfelf in his profperous Mifchief — No real Fanatick 
can look better pleas'd after a fuccefsful Sermon of Sedition. 

Bell. Sharper ! Fortifie thy Spleen : Such a Jeft ! Speak when thou art 
ready. 

Sharp. Now» were I ill-natur'd, would I utterly difappoint thy Mirth : 

Hear 



(43) 

-Hear tliee tell thy mighty Jeft, with as much Gravity as a Bifliop hears 
Venereal Caufes in the Spiritual Court : Not To much as wrinkle my Face 
with one Smile 5 but let thee look fimply, and laugh by thy felf. 

Bell, P'fhaw, No i I have a better opinion of thy Wit Gad, I defie 

thee. — 

Shar. Were it not lofs of Time, you fiiould make the Experiment. But 
honeft Setter^ here, over-heard you with Lncy^ and has told me all. 

Bell. Nay then, I thank thee for not putting me out of Countenance. 

But, to tell youfomething you don't know • I got an opportunity 

(after I had marry 'd 'em) of difcovering the Cheat to Sylvia, She took 
it at firft, as another Woman would the like Difappointment but my 
Promife to make her amends quickly with another Husband, fomewhat 
pacifyM her. 

Sharf. But how the Devil do you thifik to acquit your felf of your Pro- 
mife? Will you marry her your felf? 

BeU. 1 have no fuch Intentions at prefent ■-— Prithee, wilt thou think 
a little for me ? I am furc the Ingenious Mr. Smer will aflfift. 

Setter. O Lord, Sir ! 

Bell. I'll leave him with you^ and go fllift my Habit. {Exit, 
HEtJter Sir Jofeph and Bluffe. 3 

Sharp. Heh ! Sure, Fortune has fent this Fool hither on purpofe. S^t* 
ttr^ Stand clofe v feenxnot to obferve 'em \ and, Hark-ye — \Whifpers. 

Blkffe. Fear him noS.- — I am prepared for him now \ and he fiiall find 
he might have fafer rouzM a fleeping Lion. 

Sir yo/. Hu(b, hulh : Don't you fee him? 

Blnjfe. Shew him to me. — Where is he ? 

Sir Jof.. Nay^ don't fpeak fo loud ' I don't jeft, as I did a 

little while ago ^ Look yonder ■ ' ■• A*gad, if he Qiouid hear the 

Lion roar, he'd cudgel him into an Afs, and his pfiraicive Braying. Don't 
you remember the Story in zy€fof% Fables^ Bully ? A-gad, there are good 
' Morals to be pickt out of i^fop's Fables^ let me tell you that 5 and Regard 
the Fox too. ^/ 

Bluffe. Damn your Morals. 

Sir Jof, Prithee, don't fpeak fo loud. 

Blnffe. Damn your Morals j I muft revenge th' Affront done to my 
Honour. [,Jn a low Voice. 

Sir Jof Ay ; Do, do, Captain, if you think fitjing — You may difpofe 
of your own Flefti as you think fitting, d'ye fee : — — But by the Lord 
i/<ir>')', I'll leave you. . [^Stealing away upon his Tip-toes. 

Blhfe. Prodigious! What, will you forfake your Friend in extremity ! 
Yqu can't in honour refufe to carry him a Challenge. 

{Almoft whifperirjg^ and treading foftly after him. 

Sir Jof. Prithee, what do you fee in my face, that look? as if I would 
carry a Challenge ? Honour is your Province, Captain ^ Take it — - All 
the World know me to be a Knight, and a Man of Worlhip. 

Setter. I 



r44; 

Sc^fer; I warrant you, sir, rminftruaed/ s 

Sharp. Irapoffible! take ^ liking Co a Fool ! [^Mud. 

Setter. Her head runs on nothing elfe, nor fte can talk of nothing dfe. 

Sharp, I know (he commended him all the while we were in the Pjrk.; 
but I thought it had been only to make F'ainlove jealous. 

Sir How's this! Good Bully, hold your breath, and let's hearken: 
A.gad, thismuftbel. — 

Sharp, Death, it can't be.-*H^ An Oaf, an Ideot, a WittaL 

Sir jof. Ay, now it's out j 'tis my own ii^dividual Perfon. 

Sharp, A Wretch, that has flown foV flielter to the loweft fhrub of Mailr 
kind, and feeks protection from a blafted Coward. 

Sir Jof. That's you, BnHy, Back. ZElvifk frowns upon Sir Jof, 

Sharp, She has given Fainlove her Promife, to marry him before to mor- 
row morning. — ^ — • FJaS'ftcnot? To Setter. 

Setter, She has. Sir ^ — And I have it in Charge to attend her dt this 
Evening, in order to conduct her to the Place appointed. 

Sharp. Well, Til go and inform your Mafter^ and do you prefs her to 
make all the hafte imaginable. lExit. 

Setter, Were I a Rogue now, what a noble Priie could I difpofe of ! ' 
A goodly Pinnace, richly laden, and to launch forth under my Aufpicious 
Convoy. Twelve thoufarid Pounds, and all her Rigging^ befides what lies 

conceal'd under Hatches. Ha ! All this committed to my care ! — A;- 

vaunt Temptation. Setter^ (hew thy felf a Perfcn of worth j be true to 

thy Truft, and be reputed honeft. Reputed honeft ! Hum : Is that all ? 
Ay : For to be honeft is nothing; the reputation of it is all. Reputation ! 
what have fuch poor Rogues as I to do with Reputatioa? 'tis above us j 
and for Men of Quality, they are above it 5 fo that Reputation is e'en as 
fooUlh as Honefty. And for my part, if 1 meet Sir Jof^ph with a Purfe of 
Gold in his hand, I'll difpofe of mine to the beft advantage. 

SirjUy; Heh, heh, heh : Here 'tis for you, i'faith, Mr. Setter. Nay, 
I'll taW-you at your word. QChhk^g a Tmrfi. 

Setter. Sir Jofeph and the Captain too ! undone, undone! I'm un.- 
done, my Matter's undone, my Lady's undone, and all the bufinefs is 
undone. 

Sir Jof No, no, never fear^ Man, the Lady's bufinefs fhall be done. 

What Come, Mr. Setter^ I have over-heard all, and to fpeak, is but 

lofs of tim, i but if there be occafion, let thefe worthy Gentlemen inter- 
cede for me. {Gives him Gold. 

Setter, O Lord, Sir, what d'ye mean ? Corrupt ray Honefty.— They 
have indeed very perfuading Faces. But — — ~ 

Sir 30 f, 'Tis too little, there's more, Man. There, take all — 
Now— — 

Setter. Well, Sir Jofeph^ you have fuch a winning way with you — — 
Sir jof. And how, and how, good Setter ^ did the little Rogue look, when 
ftie talk'd of Sir 3ofiph > Did not her Eyes twinkle, and her Mouth water ? 

Did 







C 40 

Did not fhe pull up her little Bubbles ? And — Agad, I'm fo overjoy'd — 
And ftrokedown her Belly ? and then ftep afide to tie her Garter, v;hen 
Ihe was thinking of her Love ? Heh, Sener ! 
Setter. Oh, Yes, Sir. : > 

Sivjof, How now, J?////y/ What, melancholy, becaufe I'm in the La- 
dies favour ? No matter, I'll make your peace 1 know they were 

a little fmart upon you But I warrant, I'll bring you into the Ladies 

good Graces. * 

.Bluffe. P'lhaw, I have Petitions to Ihow, from other-guefs Toys than 
Ihe. Look here ^ Thefe were lent me this morning ■ There, read, 
l^Shows Letter s^l That — That's a Scrawl of Quality. Here, here's from 
a Gountefs too. Hum-— No, hold — -that's from ia Knight's Wife, 
ihe fent it me by her Husband Btit herie^ both thefe are from Perfons 
of great Quality. * 

Siv jof, They are either, from Perfon? of great r While Shr Jofeph 
Qiiality, or no Quality at all, *tis fuch a damn'd < reads ^Bl\}Stwhif' 
ugly Hand. ^ pm Setter. 

Setter, Captain, I would do any thing to ferve you^ but this is fo dif- 
ficult^ 

Blhffe. Not at all I kn^ W Mm ? 

Setter. You'll Vemember the Gonditiofls? < 

iBlhfe. I'll give't you under my Hand — — . In the mean timcj here's 
Earneft. {^Gives him Money.2 Come, Knigte, — — Tm capitulating 
with Mr. 5emy for you. 

Sir Jof. Ah, honeft^iS^^f er ^ — — Sirrah,l'll giv^-thee afiy thing birt 
a Night'is Lodging. -r^ -'wanl /im-^ ZExeunt, 

. 1 Enter Sharper^ ^Hig^^i Heartwel. , 

Sharp, Nay, prithee leave Railing, and come along with me : May be 
fhe mayn't be within. 'Tis but to yond' Corner-houfe. 

iafiwrr, Whither? Whither? Which Corner-houft ? 
• Sharp, Why, there: The Two White Pofts. 

fitm.u And who would you vilit there, fay you? (O'oiis, how tny 
heart akes.) 

Sharp, P'fhaw, Thou'rt (b troublefem and inquifitive — -~- Why, I'll • 
tell you i 'Tis a young Creature that r^^wipt^ debauch'd, and h^s forfaken* 
Did you never hear BeUmonr chide him about Sylvia . 

Heart. Death, and Hell, and Marriage ! My Wife ! L^fid^* 

Sharp. Why thou art as mufty as a Ncw-mafry'd Man, that had found 
his Wife Knowing the firft Night. 

Heamt. Hell, and the Devil ! Does he know it? But, hold —-if 

he Ihould not, I were a Fool to difcover it Til diflemble, and try 

him. Zj4fide.2 Ha, ha, ha, \Nhy,Tow. Isthat fuch anOecafionofMelian- 
choly ? Is it fuch an uncommon Mifchief ? 

Sharp. No, faith ^ I believe not. Few Women, but have their 

Year of Probation, before they are cloifter'd in Ibe narrow Joys of Wed- 



( 4^ y 

lock. But, prkhce come along with rae, or Pll go and htve the Lady to 
snyfclf. B'^w'^y George. {Going; 

Heart. O Torture ! How he racks and tears me ! — • Death ! Shall I 
own my Shame, or wittingly let him go and whore my Wife ? N0| that's 

infupportable Oh, Sharper / - 

Sharper. How now ? 
Heart. Oh, I am — married. 
. Sharp. ( Now hold Spleen. ) Married ! 
Heart. Certainly, irrecoverably married. 
Sharp, Heav'n forbid,^ Man ! How long ? 
Heart. Oh, an Age, an Age! I have been married thefe two Hours. 
Sharp. My Old Batchelor married ! That were a Jeft. Ha, ha, ha. 
Heart. Death! D'ye mock me? Heark-ye, If either you efte^m my 
Friendihip, or»your own Safety — Come not near that Houfe that 

Corner- houfe^ that hot Brothel. Ask no Queftions. Z Exh. 

Sharp, Mad, by this Light. 

Thus Grief ftill treads upon the Heels of Pleafure : 
• Marry'd in hafte, we may repent at leifure. 
C Setter Entring.'} 
Setter, Some by Experience find thofe Words mifplac'd : 
At leifure marry'd, they repent in hafte. 
As I fuppofe my Matter Heartwtl. 
Sharp. Here again, my Mercury ! 

Setter. Sublimate, if youpleafe. Sir: I think my Atchievements do de- 

ferve the Epithet — Mercury was a Pimp too , but, though 1 blufli to 

own it, at this time, I muft confefs I anvfomewhat fain from the Dignity of 
my Fundion, and do condefcend to be fcandaloufly craploy'd in the Pro- 
motion of Vulgar Matrimony. 

Sharp. As how, dear dexterous Pimp ? 

Setter. Why, to be brief, for I have weighty Affairs depending, — — ^ 
Our Stratagem fucceeded as you intended — Blufe turns errant Traytor^ ' 
bribes me, to make a private Conveyance of the Lady to him, and put a 
Sham- fettlement upon Sir yo/e/?^. 

Sharp. O Rogue ! Well, but I hope — ^^i-^-r- 

Setter. No, no j never fear mg, Sir ' I privately informed the Knight 

of the Treachery ^ who has agreed, feemingiy to be cheated, that the 
Captain may be fo in reality. 

Sharp. Where's the Bride ? ' 

Setter. Shifting Cloaths for the purpofe,at a Friend's Houfe of mine. Here's 
Company coming j if you'll walk this way, Sir, I'll tell you. [^EMennt. 
tfwtey Beilmour, Belinda, Araminta, Vainlove.] 

Fain. Oh, 'twas a Frenzy all : Cannot you forgive it ? ^ > " Men in 
Madncfs have a Title to your Pity. LTo Araminta. 

j^aw. — Which they forfeit, when they are rellor'd to their Senfes, 

yain. I am not prefuming beyond a Pardon. 



l A7 ) 

Arm. Vou who couM reproach rae with one Counterfeit, hoW infolenl 
would a real pardon make you ! BuC there's no need to forgive what is 
not worth my Anger. 

Beltn. O my Confcience, I coii'd find in my Heart to marry thee, 
purely to be rid of thee > Ac leaft, Thou art fo troublefome 

a Lover, there's Hopes thou'lt make a more than ordinary quiet Hur« 
band, {To Bellmour» 

BelL Say you fo ? " Is that a Maxim among ye ? 

Belin. Yes : You flattering Men of the Mode have made Marriage a 
meer French Difh. 

Bell. 1 hope there's no French Sawce. t^fide. 

Belin. You are fo curious in the Preparation, that is, your Courtlhip, one 

wou'd think you meant a noble Entertainment -But when we come 

to feed, 'tis all Froth, and poor, but in (how. Nay, often, only Remains, 
which have been I know not how many times warm'd for other Company, 
and at lafl: ferv'd up cold to the Wife. 

Bell. That were a miferable Wretch indeed, who cou'd not afford one 
warm Difli for the Wife of his bofom » 'But you timorous Vir- 
gins form a dreadful Chimaera of a Husband, as of a Creature contrary to 
thatfoft, humble, pliant, ealie thing, a Lover, fo guefs at Plagues in Ma« 
trimony, in Oppofition to the Pleasures of Courtfliip. Alas! Court (hip 
to Marriage, is but as the Mufick in the Play-houfe, till the Curtains 
drawn ^ but that once up, then opens the Scene of Pleafure. 

Belin. Oh, foh — no: Rather, Courtfliip to Marriage, as a very witty 
Prologue to a very dull Play. 

Enter Sharper. 

Sharf. Hift, — -BeHmoar : If you'll bring the Ladies, make hafte ioSylviah 

Lodgings, before HemmU has fretted himfelf out of breath. I'm in 

hafte now, but I'll come in at the Cataftrophe. \JExit. 

Bell. You have ^ Opportunity now. Madam, to revenge your felf upon 
Heartwell^ for affronting your SquirreL [To Belinda* 

Belin. O the filthy rude Beaft. 

Aram. 'Tisalafting (parrel: I think he has never been at ourHoufe 
fince. 

Bell. But give your felves the trouble to walk to that Corner-Houfe, 
and PU tell you by the way what may divert and furprize you. {Exemt. 

SCENE Changti to Sylvia'^ Lodgings. 

Enter Heartwell and Boj/. 
Heart. Gone forth, fay you, with her Maid ! 

Boy. There wasaMan toothatfetch'd'emout I think they 
call'd him. 

Heart. So-h — ~ That precious Pimp too — Damn'd, damn'd 

H Strumpet! 



( 4-8 ) 

Strumpet ! CouM (be not contain her ftif on her Wedding-Day ! Not 
liold out till Night ! Leave me. lExk Boy, 

O curftd State! How wide we err, when apprehenfive of th^ Load of 

Life! ■ — We hope CO find 

That Help which Nature meant in Woman-kind, 
To Man that Supplemental Self defign'd j 
But proves a burning Cauftiek when apply'd. 
And fure, couM with more E4fe abide 

The Bone when broken, than when made a Bride. 

Ente-r Bellmour, Belinda, Vainiove, Araminta. 
Belt. Now George^ What Rhyming! I thought the Chimes of Verfe 
were paft» when once the doleful Marriage-kneil was rung. 
I/eart, Sham€ and Confufion. lam expofed. 

CVainlove Araminta talk a part, 
Btlin, Joy, Joy Mr. Bridegroom ; I give you Joy Sir. 
likart. 'Tis not in thy Nature to give me Joy — A Woman can as foon 
give Immortality. 

Belm. Ha, ha^ ha, O Gad, Men grow fuch Clowns when they are 
married. 

Bell. That they are fit for no Company but their Wives.- 

Belin. Nor for them neither , in a little time 1 fwear, at the month's 

end, you fliallhardly find a Married-man, that will do a civil thing to his 
Wife, or fay a civil thing to any body elfe. ^efa I how he looks already* 
Ha, ha, ha. 

Bell. Ha, ha, ha. 

Meart. Death, Am I made your Laughing- ftock ? For you, Sir, I fhali 
find a time ; but take off your Wafp here, or the Clown may grow boi- 
ftrous, I have a Fly-flap. 

BMw. You have occafion for't, your Wife has been blown tipon. 

Bell. That's home. 

Beart. Not Fiends or Furies could have added to my vexation, or any 

thing, but another Woman- -You've wrack'd my patience ^ ie gone, 

or By 

Bell. Hold, hold. What the Devil, thou wilt not draw upon a Woman ! 
Vain. What's the matter ? 
j^ram. Blefs me ! What have yoU done to him ? 
Belt?!. Only touch'd a gaird-beall till he winch'd. 
Faifj. Bellmofir, Give it over j you Vex him too much ? 'tis all ferioos 
to him. 

Belin. Nay, I fwear, I begin to pity him, myfelf. 

Heart. Damn your pity — -But let me be calm a little — How have I 
cleferv^d this of you ? Any of ye ? Sir, have I impair'd the Honour of your 
Houfe, promised your Sifter Marriage, and whor'd her ; Wherein have I in- 
jar'd you? Did I bring a Pbyfician to your Father when he lay expiring, 

/ and 




and endeavour to prolong his life, and you onc^and-twenty ? Madam^ have 
I had an Opportunity with you and bauk'd it? Did you ever offer me the 

Favour that I refusM it ? Or 

Belin, Ohfoh! What does the filthy fellow mean ? Lard, let me be gone^ 
jiram. Hang me, if I pity you ; you are right enough fervM. 
Bill, This is a little fcurrilous tho^ 

Vain. Nay, 'tis a Sore of your own fcratching — Well C7w^f, — . 

Heart. You are the principal Caufe of all my prefent Ills. If Sylvia had 
not been your Whore, my Wife might have been honefi:. 

Fain. And if Sylvia had not been your Wife, my Whore might have 

been jult- — There, we are even But have a good heart, I heard of 

your Misfortune, and come to your relief. 

Heart. When Execution's over, you offer a Reprieve. 

Vain. What would you give ? 

H^art, Oh ! Anything, every thing, a Leg or two, or an Arm ; nay, f 
would be divorced from my Virility, to be divorced from my Wife. 

Enter Sharper. 

Vain. Faith, that's afureway- — But here's one can fell you freedom 
better cheap. 

Shitrf. Vainlove, I have been a kind of a God-father to you, yonder. I 
have promifed and vow'd fome things in your Name, which I think you 
are bound to perform. 

No ligning to a Blank, friend. ' 
Sharp. No, I'll deal fairly with yofl- — *Tis a full and free Difcharge to 
Sir Jofeph fT/V^^/ and Captain Blnfe \ for all Injuries whatfoever, done unto 

you by them, until the prefent Date hereof How fay you ? 

^Vain. Agreed. 

Sharp. Then, let me beg thefe Ladies to wear their Mafques, a mo- 
ment. lExit. 

Heart. What the DeviPsall this to me, 
. Fain. Patience. 

I^e^ Enter Sharper, with Sir Jofeph, Bluffe, Sylvia, Lucy, Setter. 
Blftfe. All Injuries whatfoever, Mr. Sharper. 
Sir Jof. Ay, ay, whatfoever, Captain, flick to that ; whatfoever.' 
Sharp. 'Tis done, thofe Gentlemen are witneifes to the general Releafe. 
Vm. Ay, ay, to this inftant Moment 1 have paft an Ait of Ob- 
livion. 

Blufe. 'Tis very generous. Sir, fincel needs mull: own 

Sir Jof. No, no. Captain, you need not own, Heb, heb, heh. 'Tis I 
muft own— 

BU^e That you are over-rcach'd too, ha, ha, ha, only a little 

Art military ufed only undermined, or fo, as fhall appear by the 

^ fair jiraminta^ my Wive's permiffion. Oh, the Devil, cheated at 
laft j tLucy anmafques., 

H 2 Sir Jof. 



( 5P > 

Sir Only a little Art-miiitary Trick, Captain^ only coanterminyj 
or fo-^^ — Mr. Fainhve^ 1 fuppofe you know whom 1 have got— now, bul 
aJPs forgiven. . ^ , 

f^ain. I know whom you have not got ppay Ladies eonviace him/ 

EAiam. W Belin. Hnm^fqm 

Sitjof. Ah! OLord, my heart akes — -^Ah! Seuer^ a Rogue of all 
fides. 

Sharp. Sir fofeph, you had better have pre-engag'd this Gentlematfs Par- 
don : For though Vamlove be fo generous to forgive the lofs of his Mi- 
Ilrifs-^'I know not bow Hemwell may take the lofs of his Wife. 

iitart. My Wife ! By this Light 'tis (he, the very Cockatrice— -Oh 5ib4r- 
per / Let me embrace thee— But art thou fure fhe is really married to him ? 

Sjtter, Really and lawfully married, lamwitnefs. 

Sharp. Bdmour will unriddle to you. CHeart well^ow Bell(1oour. 

Sirja. Pray, Madam, who arc you? For I find, jou and I are like to 
be better acquainted. 

Sylv. , The worft of me, is^ that I am your Wife - — — 

Sharp. Come, Sir Jofeph^ your Fortune isnoS fo bad as you fear — A fine 
Lady, and aLadyoif very good Quality. 

Sir ja. Thanksto my Knight-hood, flie'sa Lady 

Vain, — - Tbat deferves a Fool with a better Title ^Pray ufc her as 

sny Relation, or you lhall hear on't. 

Bluff. What, are you a woman of Quality too, Spoufe? 

Setter. And my Relation ; pray let her be refpefted accordingly— Well, 
honeft Lucy^ Fare thee well — I think, you and I have been Play-fcUdws 
off and on, any time this Seven Years. 

Lncy. Hold your prating Pm thinking what Vocation Llhall fol- 
low while my Spoufe is pjanting Lawrels in the Wars. 

Blnff. No more wars, Spoufe, no more Wars While I plant Law- 
rels for my Head abroad, I may find the branches fprout at home. 

Heart. BellmoHr^ I approve thy mirtb^ and thank thee*^ — And I catt-^ ' 
mt in gratitude (for i fee whicbway thou art going j fee thee fall intothc' 
fame fnare, out of which thou haft delivered me. 

Bell. I thank thee, Gearge^ for thy good Intention— But there is a fata-^ 
iity in Marriage For I find I'm refolute. 

Heart. Then good Counfel will be thrown away upon you For my 

|>art, I have onceefcap'd: — ^ And when I wed again, may ihe be— —Ugly, 
as an old Bawd. 

yain. ' 111 natur'd, as an old Maid 

Bell. Wanton as a young Widow— 

Shaif. And jealous asa barren Wife* 

Heart. Agreed, 

Bell. Well^ 'Midft of thefe dreadful Denunciations, and notwithftan* 
ding the Warning and Example before mej^ J coramit my fdf tolaftin&. 
©trance*. . ^ < ^^^^^^ 



( 50 

-^/iK^ Prffoncr, make much of your Fetters. lCiviff£ her Mini. 

BiU. Prankj Will you keep us in Countenance. 
Fam May I prefame to hope To great a Bkfllng. 
jiram. We had better take the Advantage of a little of our Friends Ex- 
perience firft. 

Bili. O my Confcience (be dares not confent^ for fear he OiouM recant 
Well, we ihall have your Company to Church in the Mor- 
ning- May be it may get you an Appetite to fee us fall too before ye. 

Settery did not you tell me r- 

Stner. They're at the Door HI call *em in* 

^ Dame. 

Bell. Now fet me forward on a Journey for life ■ Gome la)Ee 

your Fcllow-Travellers. Old George^ I'mforry to fee thee ftill plod on 
alone. 

Uem. With gaudy Plumes and gingling BeDs made proud. 
The youthful Bead fets forth, and neighs aloud. 
A Morning-Sun his TinfellM Harnefs gUds, 
And the firft Stage a Down-hill Green-fword yields. 
But, Oh 

What rugged ways attend the Noon of Life ! 
(Our Sun declines,) and with what anxious Strife, 
What pain we tug that galling Load, a Wife. 
All Courfers the Hrlt Heat with vigour run i 
But 'ds with Whip and Spur the Race is won. Exem 0mm, 



EPILOGUE. 



iOH?> 

Hon.} 



EPILOGUE 

Spoken by Mrs* Barry. 

\ S a raJb Girlf tpho will dl Haz/trds run^ 
Jpfd leejyo/dj tho^ fure to be undone ^ 
Soon as her Curiopy is over^ 
WoMgive the World fbe coM her Toy recover y 
So fares it with our Poet ; and Vm Jent 
To tell you^ he already does repent : 
Would you were all as forward^ to keep Lent. 
Now the Deed^s donej the Giddy-thing has leifure 
To think (!tV Stingy thafs in the tail of Pleafure. 
Methinks I hear him in Conftderation! 
What wiUthe World fay ? Whereas my Reputation 
Now that^s at flake — -^No fool^ '*tis out ^ fafbi 
If lofs of that (bould follow want of Wit^ 
How many Vndone Men were in the Pit ! 
Why that's fame Comfort y to m Authors fears^ 
If his an Afsy he wtll he Try^d bfs Peers. 

But hold-' / am exceeding my Commiffioni 

My Bufinefj here^ was humbly to Petition s 
But were fo usdto rail on thefe OccafionSy 
I could not help one tryal of your Patience : 
For ^tis our way (you know) for fear o^th' worfij 
To be before-hand ftill J and cry Fool firfi. 
How fdyyouy Sparks? How do you fland affeBed ? 
I [wear J young BsLys within, is fo dejeiled^ 
^Twould grieve your hearts to fee him ; (ball l-call him ? 
But Then you cruel Criticks would fo maul him I 
Tety may be^ yot! II encourage a beginner ; 
But how ?- — -3^«/ AS the Devil does a Sinner • 
Women and Wits are us^d ien much at one^ 
Tou gain your Ends^ and damn ^em whenyou^ve done. 



FINIS. 



Books and Flays lately Printed^ and Sold by Peter Buck, 
at the Sign of the Tcmf\Q in Fleetftreet \ and Richard 
Wellington, at the Lute in St. PauIV Clmrch yard. 

I* A Short Account of the Controverfy between the Church of Eng» 
^£jL te^ and the Diflenters : In which, the Fleas for Separation from 
the Church of England are proved to be Infufficient, from the Writings 
of the moft Eminent Men among the Diflenters themfelves; and their 
Separation condemnM by all the Reformed Churches beyond Seas. 

2. Ificognita : Or, Love and Duty reconcilM. A Novel. 

, 3. Tyrrhus^ Kmgoi Efim: A Tragedy. Written by Mr. //of 

4. The Devil turnM Cafuift : Or, The Cheats of laid open in 
the Exorcifm of a Defpairing Devil, at theHoufe of Thomas Pemwgtoft^ at - 
Orreliy in the Parifh of Wiganzndi County of Lat7cafter. By Zachary Taf^ 
lor^ M. A. Chaplain to the Ri^t Reverend Father in God, Nicholas Lord 
Bifhop of Ghcfter^. and Redtor of IVigan^ 

5* Love's a Jeft. A Comedy. Written by Mr. Mottenx. 

5. Reports of feveral Special Cafes, argued and refolved in the Court of 
Com;non-Pleas, the i6th^ijth^ \2th^ 2nd 19th. Years of King CW/^j the 
Second, in the Time when Sir Orlando Bridgman fate Chief Juftice there; 
To which are added, fome Cafes adjudged in the Time of Chief Juftice 
rmghan^ Never before Printed By 5. C. of the InntT'Tempk^ Efqf 

7. RaJclips Burlefque on Oz^/^s Epiftles. 

8. Haks Contemplations, Moral and Divine ; Three Parts." To which 
is added, his Life, By^i/tmLord Bifliop of 5<ir««;. Each Part may be 
had iingly. 

9. Cock§rh Decimal Arithmetick. The Second Editicm Enlarged. By 
John Hawkjnsy Writing* Matter. 

10. Sir Samnel Morland^s Fade Mecm: Or, AnecelTary Companion foi; 
all Traders; 

11. P/^/vr/^j's Comedies. Englilhed by feveral Hands. 



f ^. The whole Works of that Excellent, Praaical Phyficiaa Or. Tht^. 
tnM Sydenham^ faithfully Englilhed by John Peachy^ of the College of 
Fhyficians. 

13. Poems on feveral Occafions. With a Satyr upon Women and the 

Flay-Houfe. BfRokrt Godd. 

14. The Laft Lover3 A Comedy. Ux^. Manlty. 

15. Younger Brother: Or, Amorous Jilt. A Comedy. hytAn. Ann Bthn, 

16. Spanifh Wives, A Farce. h^Mx%, Mary. Tlx. 

17. Ibrahim the Thirteenth, Emperour of ther^r^/. A Tragedy. By 
Mrs. Fix. 

1 8. The Novds of Mrs. Bthit. CoUefted into One Volume. 

Ip. The Works of the late Ingenious Captain Akxandir Radcliff. Col- 
leftedinto One Volume. 

The Family Phyliciaii: Or, ACoUeftion of Choice and Approved 
Remedies for all Difeafes, Incident to humane Bodies, whether Internal or 
External. Ufeful in Families, and very ferviceablc to Country People. 
To which is added, the True Englilh Wine-Cellar, being the right Me- 
thod of making EngU(h Wines and Metheglin ; with a Collection of the 
choiceft Cofmetick Remedies, for the prefcrving the Complexion of Ladies, 
Never before Publiftied. By George Hmman^ Philo-Chymift, and Servant 
Co Sir Kemlm Digby till he died. " 

21. The Praftical Diftiller: Or, The whole Art of Diftillationj it! 
Which is contained the way of making A^ua-Fita^ Artificial Brandy ^Co 
lUuftratcd with Copper-Plates. By B. Wymrth. 

There is lately PuhliOied, A General Treatife of Childrcns Difeafes. 
Col1e£ted from the moft Eminent Authors, m. Etmnller^ WVAs^ Syden* 
hm^ &c. By 3Qhn Peachy^ of the College of Phylicians. Price i s. 60I. 



THE END. 



\ 



ft